BENTLEY. Shew us a letter addressed to you. GUNNER. How can I? I never get any letters: I'm only a clerk. I can shew you J. B. on my handkerchief. _[He takes out a not very clean one]._ BENTLEY. _[with disgust]_ Oh, put it up again. Let it go at John Brown. PERCIVAL. Where do you live? GUNNER. 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, N.W. PERCIVAL. _[dictating]_ I, John Brown, of 4 Chesterfield Parade, Kentish Town, do hereby voluntarily confess that on the 31st May 1909 I-- _[To Tarleton]_ What did he do exactly? TARLETON. _[dictating]_ --I trespassed on the land of John Tarleton at Hindhead, and effected an unlawful entry into his house, where I secreted myself in a portable Turkish bath-- BENTLEY. Go slow, old man. Just a moment. "Turkish bath"--yes? TARLETON. _[continuing]_ --with a pistol, with which I threatened to take the life of the said John Tarleton-- MRS TARLETON. Oh, John! You might have been killed. TARLETON. --and was prevented from doing so only by the timely arrival of the celebrated Miss Lina Szczepanowska. MRS TARLETON. Is she celebrated? _[Apologetically]_ I never dreamt-- BENTLEY. Look here: I'm awfully sorry; but I cant spell Szczepanowska. PERCIVAL. I think it's S, z, c, z-- _[Lina gives him her visiting-card]._ Thank you. _[He throws it on Bentley's blotter]._ BENTLEY. Thanks awfully. _[He writes the name]._ TARLETON. _[to Percival]_ Now it's your turn. PERCIVAL. _[dictating]_ I further confess that I was guilty of uttering an abominable calumny concerning Miss Hypatia Tarleton, for which there was not a shred of foundation. _Impressive silence whilst Bentley writes._ BENTLEY. "foundation"? PERCIVAL. I apologize most humbly to the lady and her family for my conduct-- _[he waits for Bentley to write]._ BENTLEY. "conduct"? PERCIVAL. --and I promise Mr Tarleton not to repeat it, and to amend my life-- BENTLEY. "amend my life"? PERCIVAL. --and to do what in me lies to prove worthy of his kindness in giving me another chance-- BENTLEY. "another chance"? PERCIVAL. --and refraining from delivering me up to the punishment I so richly deserve. BENTLEY. "richly deserve." PERCIVAL. _[to Hypatia]_ Does that satisfy you, Miss Tarleton? HYPATIA. Yes: that will teach him to tell lies next time. BENTLEY. _[rising to make place for Gunner and handing him the pen]_ You mean it will teach him to tell the truth next time. TARLETON. Ahem! Do you, Patsy? PERCIVAL. Be good enough to sign. _[Gunner sits down helplessly and dips the pen in the ink]._ I hope what you are signing is no mere form of words to you, and that you not only say you are sorry, but that you are sorry. _Lord Summerhays and Johnny come in through the pavilion door._ MRS TARLETON. Stop. Mr Percival: I think, on Hypatia's account, Lord Summerhays ought to be told about this.