Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
"Well, I did what Soapy said. After you left us the guy and I talked
back and forth for a while, and then I agreed to knock a bit off the
old man's bill, and then I said 'How about a little drink?' and then we
have a little drink, and then I slip the stuff you gave me in while he
wasn't looking. It didn't seem like it was going to act at first."
"It don't. It takes a little time. You don't feel nothing till you
jerk your head or move yourself, and then it's like as if somebody has
beaned you one with an iron girder or something. So they tell me," said
Dolly.
"I guess he must have jerked his head, then. Because all of a sudden
he went down and out," Chimp gulped. "You--you don't think he's ... I
mean, you're sure this stuff...?"
Dolly had nothing but contempt for these masculine tremors.
"Of course. Do you suppose I go about the place croaking people? He's
all right."
"Well, he didn't look it. If I'd been a life-insurance company I'd have
paid up on him without a yip."
"He'll wake up with a headache in a little while, but outside of that
he'll be as well as he ever was. Where have you been all your life that
you don't know how kayo drops act?"
"I've never had occasion to be connected with none of this raw work
before," said Chimp virtuously. "If you'd of seen him when he slumped
down on the table, you wouldn't be feeling so good yourself, maybe. If
ever I saw a guy that looked like he was qualified to step straight
into a coffin, he was him."
"Aw, be yourself, Chimp!"
"I'm being myself all right, all right."
"Well, then, for Pete's sake, be somebody else. Pull yourself together,
why can't you. Have a drink."
"Ah!" said Mr. Twist, struck with the idea.
His hand was still shaking, but he accomplished the delicate task of
mixing a whisky and soda without disaster.
"What did you with the remains?" asked Dolly, interested.
Mr. Twist, who had been raising the glass to his lips, lowered it
again. He disapproved of levity of speech at such a moment.
"Would you kindly not call him 'the remains,'" he begged. "It's all
very well for you to be so easy about it all and to pull this stuff
about him doing nothing but wake up with a headache, but what I'm
asking myself is, will he wake up at all?"
"Oh, cut it out! Sure, he'll wake up."
"But will it be in this world?"
"You drink that up, you poor dumb-bell, and then fix yourself another,"
advised Dolly. "And make it a bit stronger next time. You seem to need
it."
Mr. Twist did as directed, and found the treatment beneficial.
"You've nothing to grumble at," Dolly proceeded, still looking on the
bright side. "What with all this excitement and all, you seem to have
lost that cold of yours."
"That's right," said Chimp, impressed. "It does seem to have got a
whole lot better."
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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