Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
Mr. Flannery demurred. To tell Mr. Twist involved explanations, and
explanations, if they were to be convincing, must necessarily reveal
him, Mr. Flannery, in a light none too dignified. It might be that,
having learned the facts, Mr. Twist would decide to dispense with
the services of an assistant who, even from the best motives, hid in
shrubberies and said "Boo!" to maidservants.
"You listen to me, my girl," he advised. "Mr. Twist is a busy gentleman
that has many responsibilities and much to occupy him. He don't want
to be bothered with no stories of dropped trays. All you just do is
run back to the kitchen and tell Mrs. Evans to cook the Case some more
breakfast. The coffee pot's broke, but the cup ain't broke and the
plate ain't broke and the mustardan-pepperan-salt thing ain't broke.
I'll pick 'em up and you take 'em back on the tray and don't say
nothing to nobody. While you're gone I'll be burying what's left of
them eggs."
"But Mr. Twist put something special in the coffee."
"Eh? How do you mean?"
"When I took him in the tray just now, he said, 'Is that the Case
Upstairs' breakfast?' and I said Yes, it was, and Old Monkey Brand put
something that looked like a aspirin tablet or something in the coffee
pot. I thought it might be some medicine he had to have to make him
quiet and keep him from breaking out and murdering all of us."
Mr. Flannery smiled indulgently.
"That Case Upstairs don't need nothing of that sort, not when I'm
around," he said. "Doctor Twist's like all these civilians. He gets
unduly nervous. He don't understand that there's no need or necessity
or occasion whatsoever for these what I may call sedatives when I'm on
the premises to lend a 'and in case of any verlence. Besides, it don't
do anybody no good always to be taking these drugs and what not. The
Case 'ad 'is sleeping draught yesterday, and you never know it might
not undermine his 'ealth to go taking another this morning. So if Mr.
Twist asks you has the Case had his coffee, you just say 'Yes, sir,' in
a smart and respectful manner, and I'll do the same. And then nobody
needn't be any the wiser."
Mr. Flannery's opportunity of doing the same occurred not more than
a quarter of an hour later. Returning from the task of climbing the
ladder and handing in the revised breakfast at John's window, he
encountered his employer in the hall.
"Oh, Flannery," said Mr. Twist.
"Sir?"
"The--er--the violent case. Has he had breakfast?"
"He was eatin' it quite 'earty when I left him not five minutes ago,
sir."
Chimp paused.
"Did he drink his coffee?" he asked carelessly.
"Yes, sir," replied Sergeant-Major Flannery in a smart and respectful
manner.
"Oh! I see. Thank you."
"Thank _you_, sir," said Sergeant-Major Flannery.
III
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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