Money for nothingWodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
General
Money for nothing
Wodehouse, P. G. (Pelham Grenville)
Greed -- Fiction; Humorous stories; Swindlers and swindling -- Fiction
It was a very vivid picture that he conjured up. Mr. Bywater could see
the whole thing as clearly as if he had been present in person--from
the blasting gang's first horrified realization that human beings
had wandered into the danger zone to the almost tenser moment when,
running up to sort out the tangled heap on the ground, they had
observed Colonel Wyvern rise from his seat on Mr. Carmody's face and
had heard him start to tell that gentleman precisely what he thought
of him. Privately, Mr. Bywater considered that Mr. Carmody had acted
with extraordinary presence of mind, and had given the lie to the
theory, held by certain critics, that the landed gentry of England are
deficient in intelligence. But his sympathies were, of course, with
the injured man. He felt that Colonel Wyvern had been hardly treated,
and was quite right to be indignant about it. As to whether the other
was justified in alluding to his former friend as a jelly-bellied
hell-hound, that was a matter for his own conscience to decide.
"I'm suing him," concluded Colonel Wyvern, regarding an advertisement
of Pringle's Pink Pills with a smouldering eye.
"Quite."
"The only thing in the world that super-fatted old Blackhander cares
for is money, and I'll have his last penny out of him, if I have to
take the case to the House of Lords."
"Quite," said Mr. Bywater.
"I might have been killed. It was a miracle I wasn't. Five thousand
pounds is the lowest figure any conscientious jury could put the
damages at. And, if there were any justice in England, they'd ship the
scoundrel off to pick oakum in a prison cell."
Mr. Bywater made noncommittal noises. Both parties to this unfortunate
affair were steady customers of his, and he did not wish to alienate
either by taking sides. He hoped the Colonel was not going to ask him
for his opinion of the rights of the case.
Colonel Wyvern did not. Having relieved himself with some six minutes
of continuous speech, he seemed to have become aware that he had
bestowed his confidences a little injudiciously. He coughed and changed
the subject.
"Where's that stuff?" he said. "Good God! Isn't it ready yet? Why does
it take you fellows three hours to tie a knot in a piece of string?"
"Quite ready, Colonel," said Chas. Bywater hastily. "Here it is. I have
put a little loop for the finger, to facilitate carrying."
"Is this stuff really any good?"
"Said to be excellent, Colonel. Thank you, Colonel. Much obliged,
Colonel. Good day, Colonel."
Still fermenting at the recollection of his wrongs, Colonel Wyvern
strode to the door: and, pushing it open with extreme violence, left
the shop.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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