“Well,” said Mr. Dooley, “if ye believe annything ye'll believe ivrything. 'Tis a grand contist that's goin' on between Westhren an' Easthren civilliezation. 'Tis a joke iv me own, Hinnissy, an' ye'd undherstand it if ye knew spellin. Th' Westhren civilization, Hinnissy--that's us--is a pretty good liar, but he's a kind iv rough-an'-tumble at it. He goes in head down, an' ivry lie he tells looks like all th' others. Ye niver see an Englishman that had anny judgment in lyin'. Th' corryspondint iv th' Daily Pail is out iv his class. He's carryin' lies to Lieville. How in th' wurruld can we compete with a counthry where ivry lab'rer's cottage projooces lies so delicate that th' workmen iv th' West can't undherstand thim? We make our lies be machinery; they tur-rn out theirs be hand. They imitate th' best iv our canned lies to deceive people that likes that kind, but f'r artists they have lies that appeals to a more refined taste. Sure I'd like to live among thim an' find out th' kind iv bouncers they tell each other. They must be gr-rand. I on'y know their export lies now--th' surplus lies they can't use at home. An' th' kind they sind out ar-re betther thin our best. Our lies is no more thin a conthradiction iv th' thruth; their lies appeals to th' since iv honesty iv anny civilized man.” “They can't hurt us with their lies,” said Mr. Hennessy of our Western civilization. “We have th' guns an' we'll bate thim yet.” “Yes,” said Mr. Dooley, “an' 'twill be like a man who's had his house desthroyed be a cyclone gettin' up an' kickin' at th' air.” THE FUTURE OF CHINA “Be th' time th' Chinese gets through with this here job o' theirs,” said Mr. Dooley, “they'll know a thing or two about good manners an' Christyan idees.” “They need thim,” said Mr. Hennessy.