"An' there ye ar-re. It's just as his frind, th' most prom'nent get-rich-quick-man iv his time, wanst said: 'Readin' makes a man full.' An' maybe Hogan's right. Annyhow, I'm glad to have him advised about his books so that he won't hurt himsilf with lithrachoor that don't come undher th' pure food act. An' I'm glad to welcome our young friend Charles Eliot into our ancient univarsity. He'll like it f'r awhile. He is sure to make th' team an' I wudden't mind seein' him captain iv it. 'Tis a gr-reat colledge afther all, an' if it makes me mad part iv th' time, because I'm always gettin' licked f'r what somebody else has done, on th' whole I injye it. Th' coorse is hard. Ivry man, woman, an' child is profissor an' student to ye. Th' examinations are tough. Ye niver know whin they're goin' to take place or what they'll be about. Profissor Eliot may pass ye on'y to have Profissor Hinnissy turn ye down. But there's wan sure thing--ye'll be grajiated. Ye'll get th' usual diploma. Ye'll grajiate not because iv annything ye've done, but because ye'er room is needed. 'I like th' old place,' says ye. 'An' I'm just beginnin' to larn,' says ye. 'Pass on, blockhead,' says th' faculty. 'Pass on, Hinnissy--ye'll niver larn annything.' An' there ye are. What'll ye take?" "I wudden't mind havin' a little"--began Mr. Hennessy. "I don't mean what you mean," said Mr. Dooley. "Will ye have th' avenin' paper or a little iv th' old stuff off th' shelf?" THE TARIFF "Well, sir, 'tis a gr-r-rand wurruk thim Sinitors an' Congressmen are doin' in Wash'n'ton. Me heart bleeds fr th' poor fellows, steamin' away undher th' majestic tin dome iv th' capitol thryin' to rejooce th' tariff to a weight where it can stand on th' same platform with me frind big Bill without endangerin' his life. Th' likes iv ye wud want to see th' tariff rejooced with a jack plane or an ice pick. But th' tariff has been a good frind to some iv thim boys an' it's a frind iv frinds iv some iv th' others an' they don't intend to be rough with it. A little gentle massage to rejooce th' most prom'nent prochooberances is all that is nicissry. Whiniver they rub too hard an' th' tariff begins to groan, Sinitor Aldhrich says: 'Go a little asier there, boys. He's very tender in some iv thim schedules. P'raps we'd betther stop f'r th' day an' give him a little nourishment to build him up,' he says. An' th' last I heerd about it, th' tariff was far fr'm bein' th' wan an' emacyated crather ye'd like to see comin' out iv th' Sinit chamber. It won't have to be helped onto ye'er back an' ye won't notice anny reduction in its weight. No, sir, I shudden't be surprised if it was heartier thin iver.