Bright blazers, and twingle-twang banjoes, and bottles of Bass, my dear boy, Lots of dashing, and splashing, and "mashing" are things every man must enjoy, And the petticoats ain't fur behind 'em, you bet. While top-ropes I can carry, It ain't soap-board slop about "Quiet" will put the clear kibosh on 'Arry. * * * * * "JAM" NON "SATIS." (_A Lay of Medmenham, by a Broken-hearted Boating Man landing from the Thames, who was informed that, by the rules of the Hotel, visitors were not allowed jam with their tea if served in the garden._) There's a river hotel that is known very well, From the turmoil of London withdrawn, Between Henley and Staines, where this strange rule obtains-- That you must not have jam on the lawn. In the coffee-room still you may eat what you will, Such as chicken, beef, mutton, or brawn, Jam and marmalade too, but, whatever you do, Don't attempt to eat jam on the lawn. Young Jones and his bride sought the cool river side, And she said, as she skipped like a fawn, "As it _is_, it is nice, but 'twould be paradise, Could we only have jam on the lawn!" * * * * * [Illustration: THE THAMES (Development of the houseboat system)] * * * * * [Illustration: "DOWN IN THE DEEP" Fun at Henley Regatta. Bertie attempts to extricate his punt from the crowd.] * * * * * [Illustration: "I say, you girls, we shall be over in a second, and if you can't swim better than you punt, I'm afraid I shan't be able to save both of you!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A PLEDGED M.P. (1869). _M.P.'s Bride._ "Oh! William, dear--if you are--a Liberal--do bring in a Bill--next Session--for that underground tunnel!!"] * * * * * THE YACHTING SEASON (_Examination for a Master's Certificate_) 1. Can you dance a hornpipe? If so, which? (_Vivâ voce._) If dancing unaccompanied by fiddle, whistle the first eight bars of College Hornpipe. Also, dance the three first figures of the hornpipe, announcing the distinctive name of each beforehand. 2. Explain the terms "Ahoy!" "Avast!" "Belay!" Whence derived? Also of "Splice my main-brace." Is "main-brace" a part of rigging, or of sailor's costume? Which? If neither, what? Is "Lubber" a term of opprobrium or of endearment? State varieties of "Lubber." Give derivations of the terms "Bum-boat woman," "Marlin' spike," "Son of a sea-cook," "Dash my lee-scuppers!" "Pipe your eye," "Tip us your grapplin' iron." 3. How many mates may a sea captain legally possess at any one time? 4. Is "sextant" the feminine of "sexton"? 5. How often do "the red magnetic pole" and "the blue pole" require repainting? At whose expense is the operation performed? 6. Are only Royal Academicians eligible as "painters" on board?