_Manager._ "I guess not. They've got their revolvers in their hands!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "Men Were Deceivers Ever" _First Counter Tenor._ "Scritchy, I think your wife's waiting for you at our entrance." _Second Counter Tenor._ "Oh, then, let's go out at the _bass_ door!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THE COMMENTATORS.--_First Quidnunc (in an ecstasy)._ "I've just been writing to the 'New Shakspeare Society.' 'Believe I've made a discovery--that _Horatio_ was _Hamlet's_ father!" _Second Quidnunc (enchanted)._ "You don't say so!" _First Quidnunc._ "My dear sir, doesn't _Hamlet_, when he handles _Yorick's_ skull, address _Horatio_, 'And smelt so, pa'? I think that's conclusive!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A Disenchantment _Very Unsophisticated Old Lady (from the extremely remote country)._ "_Dear_ me! He's a _very_ different-looking person from what I had always imagined!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "JUST HINT A FAULT" _Little Tommy Bodkin takes his cousins to the gallery of the Opera_ _Pretty Jemima (who is always so considerate)._ "Tom, dear, don't you think you had better take off your hat, on account of the poor people behind, you know?"] * * * * * THE MOAN OF A THEATRE-MANAGER Who gets, by hook or crook, from me Admittance free, though well knows he That myriads turned away will be? The Deadhead. Who, while he for his programme pays The smallest silver coin, inveighs Against such fraud with eyes ablaze? The Deadhead. Who to his neighbour spins harangues, On how he views with grievous pangs The dust that on our hangings hangs? The Deadhead. Who, in a voice which rings afar, Declares, while standing at the bar, Our drinks most deleterious are? The Deadhead. Who, aye withholds the claps and cheers That others give? Who jeers and sneers At all he sees and all he hears? The Deadhead. Who loudly, as the drama's plot Unfolds, declares the tale a lot Of balderdash and tommy-rot? The Deadhead. Who dubs the actors boorish hinds? Who fault with all the scenery finds? Who with disgust his molars grinds? The Deadhead. Who spreads dissatisfaction wide 'Mongst those who else with all they spied Had been extremely satisfied? The Deadhead. Who runs us down for many a day, And keeps no end of folks away That else would for admittance pay? The Deadhead. Who keeps his reputation still, For recompensing good with ill With more than pandemonium's skill? The Deadhead.