I know I'm a "scorcher," I know I am torcher To buffers and mivvies who're not up to date; But grumpy old geesers, and wobbly old wheezers, Ain't goin' to wipe me and my wheel orf the slate. I mean to go spinning and 'owling and grinning At twelve mile an hour through the thick of the throng. And shout, without stopping, whilst, frightened and flopping, My elderly victims like ninepins are dropping,-- "So long!" The elderly bobby, who's stuffy and cobby, Ain't got arf a chance with a scorcher on wheels; Old buffers may bellow, and young gals turn yellow, But what do I care for their grunts or their squeals? No, when they go squiffy I'm off in a jiffy, The much-abused "scorcher" is still going strong. And when mugs would meddle, I shout as I pedal-- "So long!" Wot are these fine capers perposed by the papers? These 'ints about lassos and butterfly nets? To turn scorcher-catchers the old pewter-snatchers In 'elmets must take fewer stodges and wets! Wot, treat _hus_ like bufflers or beetles! The scufflers In soft, silent shoes, turn Red Injins? You're wrong! It's all bosh and bubble! I'm orf--at the double!-- "So long!" * * * * * Illustration: _Owner_ (_as the car insists upon backing into a dike_). "Don't be alarmed! Keep cool! Try and keep cool!" [_Friend thinks there is every probability of their keeping VERY cool, whether they try to or not!_ * * * * * Illustration: _Village Constable_ (_to villager who has been knocked down by passing motor cyclist_). "You didn't see the number, but could you swear to the man?" _Villager._ "I did; but I don't think 'e 'eard me." * * * * * Illustration: THE JOYS OF MOTORING.--No, this is not a dreadful accident. He is simply tightening a nut or something, and she is hoping he won't be much longer. * * * * * SUGGESTED ADDITIONAL TAXATION _£_ _s._ _d._ For every Motor Car 4 4 0 If with smell 5 5 0 Extra offensive ditto 6 6 0 Motor Car proceeding at over ten miles an hour, for each additional mile 1 1 0 For every Bicycle used for "scorching" 0 10 0 * * * * * THE ORIGINAL CLASSICAL BICYCLIST.--"Ixion; or, the Man on the Wheel." * * * * * MY STEAM MOTOR-CAR