[Illustration: SIR GORGIUS ON THE "CONTINONG" _Sir G. Midas_ (_to his younger son_). "There's a glass o' champagne for yer, 'Enry! Down with it, my lad--and thank 'Eaven you're an Englishman, and can afford to drink it!"] VENEZIA LA BELLA [According to a correspondent of the _Times_, it is proposed to erect bridges connecting Venice with the mainland.] One afternoon in the autumn of 1930, when the express from Milan arrived at Venice an Englishman stepped out, handed his luggage ticket to a porter, and said, "_Hotel Tiziano_." "_Adesso Hotel Moderno, signore_," remarked the porter. "They've changed the name, I suppose. All right. _Hotel Moderno, gondola._" "_Che cosa, signore?_" asked the porter, apparently confused, "_gon--, gondo--, non capisco. Hotel Moderno, non è vero?_" And he led the way to the outside, where the Englishman perceived a wide, asphalted street. "_Ecco là, signore, la stazione sotterranea del Tubo dei Quattro Soldi; ecco qui la tramvia elettrica, e l'omnibus dell' hotel._" "_Gondola_," repeated the Englishman. The porter stared at him again. Then he shook his head and answered, "_Non capisco, signore, non parlo inglese_." So the Englishman entered the motor omnibus, started at once, for there were no other travellers, and in a few minutes arrived at the hotel, designed by an American architect and fifteen stories in height. The gorgeous marble and alabaster entrance-hall was entirely deserted. Having engaged a room, the Englishman asked for a guide. The hall porter, who spoke ten languages fluently and simultaneously, murmured some words into a telephone, and almost immediately a dapper little man presented himself with an obsequious bow. "I want to go round the principal buildings," said the Englishman. "You speak English, of course." "Secure, sir," answered the guide, with another bow; "alls the ciceronians speaks her fine language, but her speak I as one English. Lets us go to visit the Grand Central Station of the Tube." "Oh, no," said the Englishman, "not that sort of thing! I'm not an engineer. I should like to see the Doge's Palace." "Lo, sir! The Palace is now the _Stazione Centrale Elettrica_." "Then it's no good going to see that. I will go to St. Mark's." "San Marco is shutted, sir. The _vibrazione_ of the elettrical mechanism has done fall the mosaics. The to visit is become too periculous." "Oh, indeed! Well, we can go up the Grand Canal." "The _Canal Grande_, sir, is now the _Via Marconi_. Is all changed, and covered, as all the olds canals of Venezia, with arches of steel and a street of _asfalto_. Is fine, fine, _è bella, bella, una via maravigliosa"!_ "You don't mean to say there isn't a canal left? Where are the gondolas then?" "_An, una gondola!_ The sir is _archeologo_. _Ebbene!_ We shalls go to the _Museo_. There she shall see one gondola, much curious, and old, ah, so old!" "Not a canal, not a gondola--except in the museum! What is there to see?"