* * * * * [Illustration: SCENE--_Railway Refreshment Room. Thermometer 90° in the Shade._ _Waiter_ (_to traveller taking tea_). "Beg pardon, sir, I shouldn't recommend that milk, sir; leastways not for _drinking_ purposes."] * * * * * [Illustration: HALCYON PROSPECTS.--_Romantic Bride_ (_ecstatically_). "Such a waste of waters almost appals me!" _Prudent Husband_ (_fondly_). "What a dear little economist it is!"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Tourist._ "Wasn't there a great battle fought about here?" _Village Dame._ "Ah, I do mind it when I were a gell, I do. They was----" _Tourist._ "But, my good woman, that was nearly six hundred years ago!" _Village Dame_ (_unabashed_). "Dear, dear! How time do fly!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "And she only charged eight-and-a-half guineas, and"--(_Interruption from Husbands._ "Isn't the view marvellous!" _General chorus in reply._ "Oh--er--_Yes!_")--"and now I simply go there for everything!"] * * * * * [Illustration: FRENCH AND ENGLISH (_as zey are spoke at ze country 'ouse_).--_Hostess._ "Oh--er--j'espair ker voos avvy troovy votre--votre--er--er--votre _collar stud_, barrong?" _M. le Baron._ "Oh, I zank you, yes! I find 'eem on my _chest of trowsers_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: PERAMBULATORS NOT ADMITTED A DISAPPOINTMENT. [To _perambulate_; v.n., in German, _spazieren_; in French, _se promener_; in Italian, _passeggiare_.]--_Johann Schmidt._ "Ach! vat a bitty, Mister Chones! Zen ve must not go therein to berampulate?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _Chatty Tourist._ "Beautiful specimen of a Roman camp, this, isn't it?" _Grim Stranger._ "_No_, sir, _no_! I decline to admit that there can be _any_ true beauty about anything _Roman_!"] * * * * * TWO LAST WORDS TO SWITZERLAND (_By a British Tourist and Family Man_) On Uri's lake, in Küsnacht's dell, What is the thought can almost quell Thy patriot memory, oh TELL? _Hotel!_ Whether by blue crevasse we reel, Or list the avalanche's peal, What question blends with all we feel?-- _Wie Viel?_ * * * * * [Illustration: LUSUS NATURÆ _Excursion Tourist._ "Most extr'or'nary cre'char!" _Facetious Rustic._ "Ah! that a be, measter, bred on this 'ere wery fa-arm he wor, tew!"] * * * * * MORE ENGLISH AS SHE IS WROTE.--At an hotel at Socrabaja in Java is this notice:-- "From the hours fixed for meals on no account will be deviated. For damage to furniture the proprietor will avenge himself on the person committing the same." * * * * * "TIRED NATURE."--A yawning gulf. * * * * *