[Illustration: THE HOT WEATHER _Traveller_ (_bedtime, thermometer 100°!_). "Waiter, go' sh'ch a thing as a warmin'-pan?" _Waiter_ (_astounded_). "A warming-pan, sir!" _Traveller._ "And got any ice?" _Waiter._ "Ice, sir? Yessir!" _Traveller._ "Then tell 'chamb'maid to run a pan of ice through my bed, and let me have my candle. I'll turn in!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: SCENE--_An Indian Station, on the eve of a Fancy Ball._--_Globe-trotting "Bounder"_ (_newly arrived_). "You're running this ball, ain't you? Is fancy dress _de rigueur_?" _Choleric Colonel_ (_who is Ball Secretary_). "Fancy dress, sir, is not _de rigueur_, but an invitation _is_!"] * * * * * [Illustration: UP COUNTRY JOYS IN INDIA.--_The Mem Sahib_ (_with a view to seasonable festivities_). "I wonder if you have got such a thing as lemon peel or candied peel in your shop?" _"Europe Shop" Keeper._ "Ah, no, Mem Sahib. Onlee got it 'cockle' peel and 'beesham' peel!"] * * * * * THE TRAVELLERS' PROTECTION LEAGUE The T. P. L. commenced operations last week with regard to the unpunctuality of certain railway companies, and should be encouraged to go a little farther. We want protection against:-- 1. Passengers who try to keep us out of carriages by fictitiously placing hats and wraps on more seats or corners than they will themselves occupy. 2. Passengers who endeavour to enter carriages when we have fictitiously placed hats and wraps on more seats or corners than we shall ourselves occupy. 3. People who smoke bad tobacco in compartments where there are ladies. 4. Ladies who ride in compartments where we smoke bad tobacco. 5. Parties who insist upon having the window open when we wish it shut. 6. Parties who insist upon having the window shut when we wish it open. 7. Persons who try to squeeze in when our carriage is full. 8. Persons who try to keep us out when their carriage is full. 9. Objectionable babies. 10. Objectors to babies. And a job lot of grievances, viz.:-- 11. The British landscape, now consisting of pill advertisements. 12. Clapham Junction. 13. Bank Holiday traffic and excursionists, racing and football crowds. 14. The weather. 15. Nasty smelling smoke. 16. Irritatingly uncertain lamps. 17. The increase in the income-tax. 18. The cussedness of things in general. 19. And, lastly, the Billion Dollar Trust. If the T. P. L. will abate or abolish any or all of these nuisances we shall be very greatly obliged. * * * * * [Illustration: A TIGHT FIT _Chorus of Girls_ (_to popular party on bank_). "Oh, do come with us, there's _plenty_ of room!"] * * * * * MRS. RAMSBOTHAM was asked if she liked yachting, and she replied that she preferred _terra-cotta_. She probably meant _terra-firma_. * * * * * [Illustration: "WHEN A MAN DOES NOT LOOK HIS BEST"