[Illustration: "MARCH OF REFINEMENT," 1875.--_Brown_ (_behind the age, but hungry_). "Give me the bill of fare, waiter." _Head Waiter._ "Beg pardon, sir?" _Brown._ "The bill of fare." _Head Waiter._ "The what, sir? O!--ah!--Yes!"--(_to subordinate_)--"Chawles, bring this--this--a--gen'leman--the _menoo_!!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "MELTING!" _Stout Chairman_ (_who feels the fire close at his back rather oppressive_). "Waiter, I asked you to bring me a screen." _Waiter._ "Master's very sorry, sir, but we ain't got no screen!" _Stout Chairman._ "Then, for goodness' sake, tell the cook to send up the dripping-pan, and put it under me, quick!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "I say, waiter, this salmon cutlet isn't half so good as the one I had here last week." "Can't see why, sir. It's off the same fish!"] * * * * * [Illustration: "PLEASE TO REMEMBER THE WAITER" "All right, sir! My fault!"] * * * * * DRINKING SCENE OF THE FUTURE (_In consequence of the Growing Demand for Lighter Liquors_) SCENE--_The interior of a Dining-room. The ladies have just left, and the gentlemen are discussing their beverages._ _Smith._ I say, Brown, if it is not an impertinent question, where did you get that toast-and-water? _Brown._ I thought you would be deceived! It was a cup, not the pure article! My butler is a first-rate hand at it. I will give you the recipe if you like. _Smith._ Do. It was excellent. What _is_ the secret? _Brown._ Something, I fancy, to do with watercress. _Jones._ I say, Brown, that was really very nice sherbet. Turkish or Persian? _Brown._ Neither. Came from the Stores. Home-made. _Jones._ Well, it certainly was capital. I could have sworn that it had been manufactured east of the Levant. _Brown._ More likely east of Temple Bar. And now shall we have a whitewash before we join the ladies? _Six Guests._ No, thanks! Really not! _Half-a-dozen more of the Company._ Really not! No, thanks! _Brown._ Nonsense! (_Produces a pint bottle of lemonade._) Nonsense, I repeat! Look here, my boys. (_Locks door._) Not one of you fellows shall leave the room until you have finished _this_! [_Draws cork of pint bottle, and distributes the lemonade amidst the good-natured protestations of the revellers. Scene closes in upon the temperance orgy._ * * * * * [Illustration: A PERSONAL GRIEVANCE "I say, won't they let _you_ go into long trousers?"] * * * * * [Illustration: STUDIES IN ANIMAL LIFE THE GOORMONG. (_Epicuri de Grege Porcus. British Isles_) _Mr. Huggins._ "_What_ a 'eavenly dinner it was!" _Mr. Buggins._ "B'lieve yer! Mykes yer wish yer was born 'oller!"] * * * * *