Come, Damon, since again we've met We'll feast right royally to-night, The groaning table shall be set With every seasonable delight! The luscious bivalve ... I forgot, The oyster is an arch-deceiver, And makes its eater's certain lot A bad attack of typhoid fever. With soup, then, be it thick or clear, The banquet fitly may commence-- Alas, on second thoughts, I fear With soup as well we must dispense. The doctors urge that, in effect, Soup simply kills the thoughtless glutton. It's full of germs. I recollect They say the same of beef and mutton. Yes, each variety of meat, As you remark, is much the same, And we're forbidden now to eat Fish, oysters, poultry, joint or game. But though a Nemesis each brings, The punishment, the doctors tell, is As nothing to the awful things Awaiting all who toy with jellies. Cheese--that is not condemned with these Yet ample evidence we find To make us, Damon, look on cheese As simply poison to mankind; While those who may desire to pass Immediately o'er Charon's ferry, Have but to take a daily glass Of claret, hock, champagne or sherry. And therefore, Damon, you and I, Who fain would live a year at least, Reluctantly must modify The scope of our projected feast; A charcoal biscuit we will share, Water (distilled, of course,) we'll swallow, Since this appears the only fare On which destruction will not follow! * * * * * [Illustration] * * * * * [Illustration: SMALL SOCIAL AGONIES _Hostess._ "It's but a poor lunch I can give you! But my cook has got influenza!" _Enfant terrible._ "Oh, mummy, you _always_ say that!"] * * * * * [Illustration: QUITE A NOVELTY.--_Amiable Experimentalist._ "Makes a delicious side dish, doesn't it? But it is not the common mushroom; it's a large fungus, called the agaricus procerus. It grows solitary in hedge rows, is called colubrinus, from the snake-like markings on its stem. The pileus is covered with scales, which are formed by the breaking-up of the mud-coloured epidermis, and----" [_General panic takes place_] * * * * * THE DIRGE OF THE DINER _A Restore-Wrong Rhyme_