The room is close, and, I opine, I should not like the food or wine; While all the guests are dull indeed At _table d'hôte_! The clatter and the heat combine One's appetite to undermine. When noisy waiters take no heed, But change the plates at railway speed-- I feel compelled to "draw my line" At _table d'hôte_! * * * * * SUFFICIENT EXCUSE _Jones_ (_to Brown_). I say, old fellow, I saw you last night, after that dinner. Your legs were uncommonly unsteady. _Brown._ No, dear boy; legs were right enough. It was my trousers that were so "tight." * * * * * [Illustration: CRUEL!--_Lucullus Brown_ (_on hospitable purpose intent_). "Are you dining anywhere to-morrow night?" _Jones_ (_not liking to absolutely "give himself away"_). "Let me see"--(_considers_)--"No; I'm not dining anywhere to-morrow." _Lucullus Brown_ (_seeing through the artifice_). "Um! Poor chap! How hungry you will be!" ["_Exeunt,--severally._"] * * * * * [Illustration: CANDID! _Simultaneously_ _Host (smacking his lips)._ "Now, what do you say to that glass of she----" _Guest._ "My dear fellow, where did you get this abominable Marsala?"] * * * * * GUESTS TO BE AVOIDED "Hullo, old man! How is it you're dining at the club? Thought your wife told me she had the Browns and Smiths to dinner this evening?" "No--that was yesterday. This evening she has the odds and ends." * * * * * SECTARIAN "Hullo, John! What a jolly dish! Potatoes, greens, carrots, beans! Who's it for?" "Mr. Binks, sir." "Is Mr. Binks a _vegetarian_?" "Oh no, sir! I believe he's Church of England!" * * * * * [Illustration: "TO PUT IT BROADLY" _Improvised Butler_ (_to distinguished guest_). "Will ye take anny more drink, sor?"] * * * * * [Illustration: _First Customer._ "Waiter, a fried sole." _Second Customer._ "Bring me a fried sole, too, waiter--and mind it is fresh." _Waiter._ "Two fried soles--one fresh!"] * * * * * [Illustration: AFTER MANY YEARS!--_Country Parson_ (_to distinguished Peer, who has been making_ THE _speech of the evening_). "How d'ye do, my lord? I see you don't quite remember me." _Distinguished Peer._ "Well--er--not altogether." _C. P._ "We were members of the same club at Oxford." _D. P._ (_with awakening interest_). "Oh--ah! Let me see--which club was that?" _C. P._ "The--er--_Toilet Club_, you know!"] * * * * * [Illustration: THINGS ONE WOULD RATHER HAVE LEFT UNSAID _She._ "We expected you to dinner last night, Herr Professor. We waited half an hour for you. I hope it was not _illness_ that prevented you from coming?" _He._ "Ach, no! I vas not hongry!"] * * * * * [Illustration: A DILEMMA