As to costume, the game is to be played in white satin bed-room slippers, with (as a protection in the event, spite every possible precaution, of "_le scrimmage_" arising) feather pillows strapped over the knees and chest. It is calculated by our Committee that the savage proclivities of the game, as fostered by the terrible rules of your murderous "Rugby Association," will be thus, in some measure, counteracted. Hoping soon to hear from you on the subject of your _Courses d'Eau_, as I shall doubtless have some suggestions to make in reference to the conduct of your aquatic contests, receive, Monsieur, the assurance of my most distinguished consideration, THE SECRETARY TO THE CONGRESS. * * * * * [Illustration: "Oh, I say, they're gone for a rope or something. Awfully sorry, you know, I can't come any nearer, but I'll stay here and talk to you."] * * * * * [Illustration: Nemesis.--Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "Who's won?" First Football Player. "We've lost!" Inquisitive Old Gentleman. "What have you got in that bag?" Second Football Player. "The umpire!"] * * * * * PROFESSIONALS OF THE FLOOR AND FIELD. Exactly the same, though not so in name, Are dancing and football "pros." For both money make and salaries take For supporting the ball with their toes. * * * * * ETON FOOTBALL (_Special Report by Dumb-Crambo Junior._) [Illustration: CORNER] [Illustration: FLYING MAN] [Illustration: POST AND BACK UP POST] [Illustration: LONG BEHIND AND SHORT BEHIND] [Illustration: OLD EAT-ONIONS] [Illustration: THE USUAL BULLY] [Illustration: AFTER THE KICK-OFF JAMES EFFECTED A FINE RUN,] [Illustration: WHICH HE FINISHED UP BY SENDING THE BALL JUST OVER THE CROSS BAR] [Illustration: CHANGE WAS ANNOUNCED] [Illustration: A SCRIM-AGE] [Illustration: TIME WAS THEN CALLED] [Illustration: THEY MADE ONE ROUGE] * * * * * [Illustration: How the goal-keeper appears to the opposing forward, who is about to shoot.] [Illustration: And how the goal-keeper _feels_ when the opposing forward is about to shoot.] * * * * * THAT FOOT-BALL _An Athletic Father's Lament._ What was it made me cricket snub, And force my seven sons to sub- sidize a local "Rugby" Club? That Foot-ball! Yet, what first drew from me a sigh, When Tom, my eldest, missed a "try," But got instead a broken thigh? That Foot-ball! What in my second, stalwart Jack, Caused some inside machine to crack, And kept him ten months on his back--? That Foot-ball! What brought my third, unhappy Ted, To fade and sink, and keep his bed, And finally go off his head?-- That Foot-ball!