"The play come up like this," said Scraggs. "After my eighteenth bestowin' of the honored name of Scraggs upon a person that didn't appreciate it the Mormon Church see fit to assume a few duties on me. I was put in a position of importance in a placer minin' districk inhabited by jack-rabbits, coyotes, Chinamen, and Mrs. Scraggses. And still I wasn't happy. Them jack-rabbits et up my little garding patch; the coyotes gathered at nights and sung me selections from the ghost dance; the Chinamen sprung every con-cussed trick on me that a man who wears his whiskers down his back can think of; and day and night alike, Mrs. Scraggs, from one to eighteen, informed me what I'd ort to do. "I tried to strike up a little friendly conversation with the Chinks, for variety, but it weren't no use. A Chinaman'll be a Mormon, or a Democrat, or a cannibal, or any other durn thing for five cents, sixty days from date. He ain't got any more natural convictions than a Missouri River catfish. They'd just keep a-watchin' my face so's they could agree with me. Now, I didn't want that. I wanted to get up an argument with somebody I could sass back, because in my own house, where I was lord and master, if I happened to remark it was a nice, bright day everybody swore you couldn't see your hand before your face, and I let the subject drop right there. Mrs. Scraggs quar'led some among herself, but when I come in her motto was, 'United we stand him on his head, and divided we fall upon his neck.' When she done the last, of a still day, you could hear the crack of my cervycal vertybree three mile. "So, at last, I wearied. I writ a letter to the Elders tellin' 'em I enjoyed the work, but thought it was time for my spirit of self-sacrifice to exercise himself a little. So would they mind givin' me another job? Somethin' like lyin' on a board and havin' a doctor rip-saw chunks out of me for the benefit of Science, and let him lose the pieces, for all I cared. "The Mormon Church, she come to my relief by sendin' me out on a proselytin' expedition to York State. But I wasn't built proper to lead errin' sheep into the fold. Most of the sheep they hollered 'Baa!' when they see me, and gathered distance with both feet. If I did get a chance to talk to a man he always asked me awkward questions. Like one old farmer, whilest I was explainin' the advantages of havin' as many helpmates and cheerful companions and domestic joys as possible, busts into me by takin' holt of my coat and askin' so confidential I couldn't lie to him, 'How do you find it yourself?' "'The Lord be good to fools!' says I. 'You got _one_ now, ain't you?' "''M ya-a-as,' says he, without anything you could figger as wild enthusiasm in his voice; 'I hev.' "'Well,' says I, 'multiply one by eighteen, and let's have a drink.'