Mrs. Caudle's Curtain LecturesJerrold, Douglas William
General
Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
Jerrold, Douglas William
English wit and humor; Marriage -- Humor
"And you're not going to let me know the secret, eh? You mean to
say,--you're not? Now, Caudle, you know it's a hard matter to put me
in a passion--not that I care about the secret itself: no, I
wouldn't give a button to know it, for it's all nonsense, I'm sure.
It isn't the secret I care about: it's the slight, Mr. Caudle; it's
the studied insult that a man pays to his wife, when he thinks of
going through the world keeping something to himself which he won't
let her know. Man and wife one, indeed! I should like to know how
that can be when a man's a mason--when he keeps a secret that sets
him and his wife apart? Ha, you men make the laws, and so you take
good care to have all the best of 'em to yourselves: otherwise a
woman ought to be allowed a divorce when a man becomes a mason: when
he's got a sort of corner-cupboard in his heart--a secret place in
his mind--that his poor wife isn't allowed to rummage!
"Caudle, you sha'n't close your eyes for a week--no, you sha'n't--
unless you tell me some of it. Come, there's a good creature;
there's a love. I'm sure, Caudle, I wouldn't refuse you anything--
and you know it, or ought to know it by this time. I only wish I had
a secret! To whom should I think of confiding it, but to my dear
husband? I should be miserable to keep it to myself, and you know
it. Now Caudle?
"Was there ever such a man? A man, indeed! A brute!--yes, Mr.
Caudle, an unfeeling, brutal creature, when you might oblige me, and
you won't. I'm sure I don't object to your being a mason: not at
all, Caudle; I dare say it's a very good thing; I dare say it is--
it's only your making a secret of it that vexes me. But you'll tell
me--you'll tell your own Margaret? You won't! You're a wretch, Mr.
Caudle.
"But I know why: oh, yes, I can tell. The fact is, you're ashamed
to let me know what a fool they've been making of you. That's it.
You, at your time of life--the father of a family! I should be
ashamed of myself, Caudle.
"And I suppose you'll be going to what you call your Lodge every
night, now. Lodge, indeed! Pretty place it must be, where they
don't admit women. Nice goings on, I dare say. Then you call one
another brethren. Brethren! I'm sure you'd relations enough, you
didn't want any more.
"But I know what all this masonry's about. It's only an excuse to
get away from your wives and families, that you may feast and drink
together, that's all. That's the secret. And to abuse women,--as if
they were inferior animals, and not to be trusted. That's the
secret; and nothing else.
"Now, Caudle, don't let us quarrel. Yes, I know you're in pain.
Still, Caudle, my love; Caudle! Dearest, I say! Caudle!"
"I recollect nothing more," says Caudle, "for I had eaten a hearty
supper, and somehow became oblivious."
LECTURE IX--MR. CAUDLE HAS BEEN TO GREENWICH FAIR
"Ho, Mr. Caudle: I hope you enjoyed yourself at Greenwich.
"HOW DO I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN AT GREENWICH?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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