Mrs. Caudle's Curtain LecturesJerrold, Douglas William
General
Mrs. Caudle's Curtain Lectures
Jerrold, Douglas William
English wit and humor; Marriage -- Humor
"Ha! you don't know my constitution after all, Caudle. I'm not at
all the woman I was. I say nothing about 'em, but very often you
don't know my feelings. And as we're on the subject, dearest, I have
only one favour to ask. When you marry again--now it's no use your
saying that. After the comforts you've known of marriage--what are
you sighing at, dear?--after the comforts, you must marry again--now
don't forswear yourself in that violent way, taking an oath that you
know you must break--you couldn't help it, I'm sure of it; and I know
you better than you know yourself. Well, all I ask is, love, because
it's only for your sake, and it would make no difference to me then--
how should it?--but all I ask is, don't marry Miss Pret--There!
there! I've done: I won't say another word about it; but all I ask
is, don't. After the way you've been thought of, and after the
comforts you've been used to, Caudle, she wouldn't be the wife for
you. Of course I could then have no interest in the matter--you
might marry the Queen of England, for what it would be to me then--
I'm only anxious about you. Mind, Caudle, I'm not saying anything
against her; not at all; but there's a flightiness in her manner--I
dare say, poor thing, she means no harm, and it may be, as the saying
is, only her manner after all--still, there is a flightiness about
her that, after what you've been used to, would make you very
wretched. Now, if I may boast of anything, Caudle, it is my
propriety of manner the whole of my life. I know that wives who're
very particular aren't thought as well of as those who're not--still,
it's next to nothing to be virtuous, if people don't seem so. And
virtue, Caudle--no, I'm not going to preach about virtue, for I never
do. No; and I don't go about with my virtue, like a child with a
drum, making all sorts of noises with it. But I know your
principles. I shall never forget what I once heard you say to
Prettyman: and it's no excuse that you'd taken so much wine you
didn't know what you were saying at the time; for wine brings out
man's wickedness, just as fire brings out spots of grease.
"WHAT DID YOU SAY?
"Why, you said this: --'Virtue's a beautiful thing in women, when
they don't make so much noise about it: but there's some women who
think virtue was given 'em, as claws were given to cats'--yes, cats
was the word--'to do nothing but scratch with.' That's what you
said.
"YOU DON'T RECOLLECT A SYLLABLE OF IT?
"No, that's it; when you're in that dreadful state, you recollect
nothing: but it's a good thing I do.
"But we won't talk of that, love--that's all over: I dare say you
meant nothing. But I'm glad you agree with me, that the man who'd
tie up his widow not to marry again, is a mean man. It makes me
happy that you've the confidence in me to say that.
"YOU NEVER SAID IT?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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