He smiled faintly, raised his head a little higher, and said:
“Yes, that’s just it, I suppose; but then we do not order our own
constitutions; and I believe, Doctor, that you must kill a nerve before
it ceases to hurt. One doesn’t choose to worry, I think, any more than
one chooses to lay bare a nerve.” And then his eyes dropped, as if he
thought he had already said too much.
Again I studied him, repeating my definitions in my mind. He was not a
drunkard; he might have had no vice, so free was his face from any sign
of dissipation or indulgence; but there was suffering, possibly the
marks of some endured shame. The suffering and shadows showed the more
because his features were refined enough for a woman. And altogether it
struck me that he was possessed by some one idea, which gave his looks a
kind of sorrowful eloquence, such as one sees on occasion in the face of
a great actor like Salvini, on the forehead of a devout Buddhist, or in
the eyes of a Jesuit missionary who martyrs himself in the wilds.
I felt at once for the man a sympathy, a brotherliness, the causes of
which I should be at a loss to trace. Most people have this experience
at one time or another in their lives. It is not a matter of sex; it may
be between an old man and a little child, a great man and a labourer, a
schoolgirl and an old native woman. There is in such companionships less
self-interest than in any other. As I have said, I thought that this man
had a trouble, and I wished to know it; not from curiosity,--though my
mind had a selfish, inquiring strain,--but because I hoped I might
be able to help him in some way. I put my hand on his shoulder, and
replied: “You will never be better unless you get rid of your worry.”
He drew in a sharp breath, and said: “I know that. I am afraid I shall
never be better.”
There was a silence in which we looked at each other steadily, and then
he added, with an intense but quiet misery: “Never--never!”
At that he moved his hand across his forehead wearily, rose, and turned
toward the door. He swayed as he did so, and would have fallen, but I
caught him as he lost consciousness, and laid him on the cabin sofa.
I chafed his hands, unloosed his collar, and opened the bosom of his
shirt. As the linen dropped away from his throat, a small portrait on
ivory was exposed on his breast. I did not look closely at it then, but
it struck me that the woman’s head in the portrait was familiar, though
the artistic work was not recent, and the fashion of the hair was
of years before. When his eyes opened, and he felt his neck bare, he
hurriedly put up his hand and drew the collar close, and at the same
time sent a startled and inquiring look at me. After a few moments I
helped him to his feet, and, thanking me more with a look than with
words, he turned towards the door again.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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