Now, at this distance of time, I look back, and see Hungerford, “the
rowdy sailor,” as he called himself, lying there, his dark grey
eyes turned full on me; and I am convinced that no honester, more
sturdy-minded man ever reefed a sail, took his turn upon the bridge, or
walked the dry land in the business of life. It did not surprise me,
a year after, when I saw in public prints that he was the hero of--but
that must be told elsewhere. I was about to answer him then as I knew
he would wish, when a steward appeared and said: “Mr. Boyd, 116
Intermediate, wishes you would come to him, sir, if you would be so
kind.”
Hungerford rose, and, as I made ready to go, urged quietly: “You’ve got
the charts and soundings, Marmion, steam ahead!” and, with a swift but
kindly clench of my shoulder, he left me. In that moment there came a
cowardly feeling, a sense of shamefacedness, and then, hard upon it, and
overwhelming it, a determination to serve Boyd Madras so far as lay in
my power, and to be a man, and not a coward or an idler.
When I found him he was prostrate. In his eyes there was no anger, no
indignation, nor sullenness--all of which he might reasonably have felt;
and instantly I was ashamed of the thought which, as I came to him,
flashed through my mind, that he might do some violent thing. Not that
I had any fear of violence; but I had an active dislike of awkward
circumstances. I felt his fluttering pulse, and noted the blue line on
his warped lips. I gave him some medicine, and then sat down. There was
a silence. What could I say? A dozen thoughts came to my mind, but I
rejected them. It was difficult to open up the subject. At last he put
his hand upon my arm and spoke:
“You told me one night that you would help me if you could. I ought
to have accepted your offer at first; it would have been better.--No,
please don’t speak just yet. I think I know what you would say. I knew
that you meant all you urged upon me; that you liked me. I was once
worthy of men’s liking, perhaps, and I had good comrades; but that is
all over. You have not come near me lately, but it wasn’t because you
felt any neglect, or wished to take back your words; but--because of
something else.... I understand it all. She has great power. She always
had. She is very beautiful. I remember when--but I will not call it
back before you, though, God knows, I go over it all every day and every
night, until it seems that only the memory of her is real, and that she
herself is a ghost. I ought not to have crossed her path again, even
unknown to her. But I have done it, and now I cannot go out of that path
without kneeling before her once again, as I did long ago. Having seen
her, breathed the same air, I must speak or die; perhaps it will be
both. That is a power she has: she can bend one to her will, although
she often, involuntarily, wills things that are death to others. One
MUST care for her, you understand; it is natural, even when it is
torture to do so.”
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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