My Double Life: The Memoirs of Sarah BernhardtBernhardt, Sarah
General
My Double Life: The Memoirs of Sarah Bernhardt
Bernhardt, Sarah
Actors -- France -- Biography; Bernhardt, Sarah, 1844-1923
“Why, César, don’t you know your friend?” I said very gently. He growled
in reply, and in a louder voice I said, “Fie, César, bad César; you
ought to be ashamed! Fancy barking at your friend!”
He now began to howl, and I was seized with terror. I pulled the ladder
up again, and sat down at the top. César lay down under the gymnasium,
his tail straight out, his ears pricked up, his coat bristling, growling
in a sullen way. I appealed to the Holy Virgin to help me. I prayed
fervently, vowed to say three supplementary _Aves_, three _Credos_, and
three _Paters_ every day.
When I was a little calmer I called out in a subdued voice, “César! my
dear César, my beautiful César! You know I am the Angel Raphael!” Ah,
much César cared for him. He considered my presence, alone, at so late
an hour in the garden and on the gymnasium quite incomprehensible. Why
was I not in the refectory? Poor César, he went on growling, and I was
getting very hungry, and began to think things were most unjust. It was
true that I had been to blame for taking the soldier’s shako, but after
all, he had commenced. Why had he thrown his shako over the wall? My
imagination now came to my aid, and in the end I began to look upon
myself as a martyr. I had been left to the dog, and he would eat me. I
was terrified at the dead people behind me, and every one knew I was
very nervous. My chest too was delicate, and there I was, exposed to the
biting cold with no protection whatever. I began to think about Mother
St. Sophie, who evidently no longer cared for me, as she was deserting
me so cruelly. I lay with my face downwards on the plank, and gave
myself up to the wildest despair, calling my mother, my father, and
Mother St. Sophie, sobbing, wishing I could die there and then—— Between
my sobs I suddenly heard my name pronounced by a voice. I got up, and,
peering through the gloom, caught a glimpse of my beloved Mother St.
Sophie. She was there, the dear saint, and had never left her rebellious
child. Concealed behind the statue of St. Augustine, she had been
praying whilst awaiting the end of this crisis, which in her simplicity
she had believed might prove fatal to my reason and perhaps to my
salvation. She had sent every one away and remained there alone, and she
too had not dined. I came down and threw myself, repentant and wretched,
into her motherly arms. She did not say a word to me about the horrible
incident, but took me quickly back to the convent. I was all damp with
the icy evening dew, my cheeks were feverish, and my hands and feet
frozen.
I had an attack of pleurisy after this, and was twenty-three days
between life and death. Mother St. Sophie never left me an instant. The
sweet Mother blamed herself for my illness, declaring as she beat her
breast that she had left me outside too long.
“It’s my fault! It’s my fault!” she kept exclaiming.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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