use--that gave the first blow to my own faith; although I put the doubt
away and refused even to look at the question again, yet the effect
remained--the tiny seed, which was slowly to germinate and to grow up,
later, into the full-blown flower of Atheism.
The trial of Mr. Charles Voysey for heresy made me remember my own
puzzle, and I gradually grew very uneasy, though trying not to think,
until the almost fatal illness of my little daughter brought a sharper
questioning as to the reason of suffering and the reality of the love of
God. From that time I began to study the doctrines of Christianity from
a critical point of view; hitherto I had confined my theological reading
to devotional and historical treatises, and the only controversies
with which I was familiar were the controversies which had divided
Christians; the writings of the Fathers of the Church and of the modern
school which is founded on them had been carefully studied, and I had
weighed the points of difference between the Greek, Roman, Anglican, and
Lutheran communions, as well as the views of orthodox dissenting schools
of thought; only from Pusey's "Daniel", and Liddon's "Bampton Lectures",
had I gathered anything of wider controversies and issues of more vital
interest. But now all was changed, and it was to the leaders of the
Broad Church school that I first turned in the new path. The shock of
pain had been so! rude when real doubts assailed and shook me, that I
had steadily made up my mind to investigate, one by one, every Christian
dogma, and never again to say "I believe" until I had tested the object
of faith; the dogmas which revolted me most were those of the Atonement
and of Eternal Punishment, while the doctrine of Inspiration of
Scripture underlay everything, and was the very foundation of
Christianity; these, then, were the first that I dropped into the
crucible of investigation. Maurice, Robertson, Stopford Brooke, McLeod,
Campbell, and others, were studied; and while I recognised the charm
of their writings, I failed to find any firm ground whereon they could
rest: it was a many-colored beautiful mist--a cloud landscape, very
fair, but very unsubstantial. Still they served as stepping stones away
from the old hard dogmas, and month by month I grew more sceptical as
to the possibility of finding certainty in religion. Mansel's Bampton
lectures on "The Limits of Religious Thought" did much to increase the
feeling; the works of F. Newman, Arnold, and Greg carried on the
same work; some efforts to understand the creeds of other nations, to
investigate Mahommedanism, Buddhism, and Hinduism, all led in the same
direction, until I concluded that inspiration belonged to all people
alike, and there could be no necessity of atonement, and no eternal
hell prepared for the unbeliever in Christianity. Thus, step by step,
I renounced the dogmas of Christianity until there remained only, as
distinctively Christian, the Deity of Jesus which had not yet been
analysed.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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