Authors, English -- 20th century -- Biography; Waugh, Alec, 1898-1981
Is she still faithful to him, he wonders. He knows what are the morals
of the green-room--one intrigue after another. “And the people
concerned,” he reminds himself, “are always the very last to hear
anything.” He makes enquiries furtively about her especial friends. He
finds himself listening in his club to the tedious reminiscences of
obsolete tragedians. He asks chance acquaintances in the train whether
they have ever heard of her. “That’s a wonderful discovery,” he says,
“that new star at the Adelphi.” And he waits anxiously, in case the
stranger may have some scandal to tell of her. He sees very little of
her now. “But you cannot think how one thing comes on the top of
another,” she explains. “All these people; its business half of it, and
I am so happy. And you want me to be happy, don’t you, darling?” And
every day he grows more jealous; every day the strain grows greater.
Night after night she is supping and dancing, at other people’s expense;
and in this world people don’t give anything for nothing, especially
that type of person. There are times when he thinks he would give
anything to be certain, to know one way or another. But there are others
when he knows that that knowledge is the one thing which he would avoid.
He is almost certain that there is something between her and that young
barrister he saw her dining with last Sunday at the Berkeley. But he
dare not make sure. He dare not be forced to break with her.
For he knows that if he once broke with her he would have to say
good-bye to love for ever. He knows that he has not the faith, nor the
strength, to begin again. He has lived ten years in the last eighteen
months, and ten years bring him very close to the prescribed limits of a
life’s endurance. He can no longer say, as he could in the early
forties, what is one love affair, is not the world companionably full of
freehearted ladies? This is the last time, the very last. He has not the
courage to say good-bye to pleasure.
And then one evening the crested wave of jealousy is at its height.
There is an all-night sitting at the House, and he is walking from his
club to Westminster. It is just after eleven. The theatres are emptying
into Piccadilly. The pavements are crowded. Along the streets cars and
taxis are hurrying their occupants in search of further entertainment.
He follows enviously the momentary view of bright interiors. He regrets
the long hours that await him, on a hard bench, listening to dull
speeches. He could wish that he were young again, forgetting in the
evening’s intoxication the morning’s bills and overdrafts. And suddenly
he catches in the corner of a taxi, lit suddenly by the glare of a
street lamp, a glimpse of flaxen hair drawn back tight from a forehead,
of hair bunching like clustering flowers about the ears, of pale blue
cornflower eyes, and of lips so close against a man’s that they have
just been kissed, or are about to kiss. A second and the taxi is again
in shadow.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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