Laurence forced himself to be alone with Julia. He went into her sitting
room casually and took up a book, but when he was seated he did not
read. His elbow rested on the arm of the chair and he held his head to
one side with his brow laid against his palm.
It was Sunday. Dry hot air blew into the room from the almost deserted
street. Now and then the window curtains swelled slightly with the
breeze. The canary's cage hung in the light near the ceiling. The
sunshine slipped in wavering lines across the gilded bars. The bird
tapped with its beak on the sides of the cage which oscillated with its
quick motions. Sometimes it flew to its swing that moved with a jerk,
and a shower of seeds rattled lightly against the sill below.
Julia had drawn a chair up to her desk and spread before her the
materials for letter writing. The pen lay idle in her relaxed fingers.
Laurence tried to be unaware that she was watching him. "Laurence."
He stirred a little. It was hard to look at her. "Yes?" His smile was
cold and uneasy. He was not ready to talk with her about himself.
Julia rose and came toward him. He glanced away.
When she stood by him she placed her hand on his. He made an effort not
to withdraw his fingers. When he lifted his face to her his expression
was kind and obscure. He seemed to draw a veil across himself.
"I can't bear it, Laurence!" She knelt down beside him. She wanted him
to hurt her against his will. If she could rouse him against her she
could endure it.
Laurence cleared his throat. He knew that he cringed when she touched
his sleeve. He thought her voice sounded rich and strong with pain.
Women were like that. "Can't bear what?" He realized that his subterfuge
was absurd, but he smiled at her again.
She did not answer. Her eyes were steady with reproach. Her throat
swelled with repressed sobs. "Why can't we be frank about things,
Laurence? We can't go on like this always. I know I have no right here.
I ought to go away! I know I ought. Somehow I haven't the courage."
He moved his arm away and stared out of the window. The smile went from
his eyes. His gaze was vacant and fixed. "I don't ask you to go, Julia."
His face twitched. His whole body showed his breaking resistance. Yet
she knew that he would not relent.
"But you don't ask me to stay. It is painful to you to have me here,
Laurence."
For a moment he compressed his lips without answering her. "I think you
must decide everything for yourself. Your life is your own. You have
told me that one of my mistakes in the past was in condescending to you
and attempting to impose my own negative views upon you."
"But, Laurence, how can I decide a thing like this as if it were
unrelated to you? If you would only talk to me! If you didn't consider
everything that happens between us as if it were irrevocable!"
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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