"'But you men, you are quite different. You do wish that all the women, at any rate all the young and beautiful women, shall be at your order. This of course we cannot legislate for you. But we can do the next best thing: we can abolish the chief obstacle in your way: the breach-of-promise cases. This we promise to do, provided you give us the suffrage. You are, however, much mistaken if you think that that is all we have in store for you. Far from it. "'If you give us the franchise, we pledge ourselves _never to publish a novel or a drama_.' "(Applause like an earthquake--men embrace one another--elderly gentlemen cry with joy--a clergyman calls upon people to pray--in the skies a rainbow appears.) "'Yes, although with a breaking heart, yet we will make this immense sacrifice on the altar of our patriotism: we will henceforth not publish any novels. I cannot say that we will not write any. This would be more than I or any other woman could promise. We must write novels. We are subject to a writing itch that is quite beyond our control. The less a woman has to say the more she will write. She must write; she must write novels. "'We write, we publish at present about five novels a day. If you give us the suffrage, we pledge ourselves not to publish a single novel.' "(Universal cry: 'Give them the suffrage, for God's sake!') "'And if you do not give us the suffrage, we shall publish ten novels a day.' "(Fearful uproar--fierce cries for the police--twenty publishers present are mobbed--Miss Cora Morelli present is in imminent danger of life.) "'Did I say, ten? What I meant to say is, that if you do not give us the franchise, we shall publish fifteen novels a day.' "(Revolution--pistol shots--the fire-brigade comes.) "'Twenty--thirty--forty novels a day.' "(The Big Ben is howling--the Thames river floods Middlesex--the House of Commons suspends the Habeas Corpus Act.) "'Or even ten novels every hour.' "(The Albert Memorial leaves its place and takes refuge in the Imperial Institute--the crowd, in despair, falls on their knees and implores the speaker to have mercy on them--they promise the suffrage, at once, or somewhat before that.) "'There! I told you, we do mean what we mean, and we have all sorts of means of making you mean what we mean. It is therefore understood that you will give us the franchise, and we shall stop publishing novels. But should you change your mind and go back on your present promises, then I must warn you that we have in store even more drastic means of forcing your hands. You must not in the least believe that the pressure we can bring to bear upon you is exhausted with the devices just enumerated. There are other devices. But for evident reasons of modesty I prefer calling upon my motherly guide, Mrs Pancake, to tell you more about them.' * * * * *