Conrad, Joseph, 1857-1924; Essays; Literature -- History and criticism
I don't know what would have become of me if I had not been a reading
boy. My prep. finished I would have had nothing to do but sit and watch
the awful stillness of the sick room flow out through the closed door and
coldly enfold my scared heart. I suppose that in a futile childish way I
would have gone crazy. But I was a reading boy. There were many books
about, lying on consoles, on tables, and even on the floor, for we had
not had time to settle down. I read! What did I not read! Sometimes
the elder nun, gliding up and casting a mistrustful look on the open
pages, would lay her hand lightly on my head and suggest in a doubtful
whisper, "Perhaps it is not very good for you to read these books." I
would raise my eyes to her face mutely, and with a vague gesture of
giving it up she would glide away.
Later in the evening, but not always, I would be permitted to tip-toe
into the sick room to say good-night to the figure prone on the bed,
which often could not acknowledge my presence but by a slow movement of
the eyes, put my lips dutifully to the nerveless hand lying on the
coverlet, and tip-toe out again. Then I would go to bed, in a room at
the end of the corridor, and often, not always, cry myself into a good
sound sleep.
I looked forward to what was coming with an incredulous terror. I turned
my eyes from it sometimes with success, and yet all the time I had an
awful sensation of the inevitable. I had also moments of revolt which
stripped off me some of my simple trust in the government of the
universe. But when the inevitable entered the sick room and the white
door was thrown wide open, I don't think I found a single tear to shed. I
have a suspicion that the Canon's housekeeper looked on me as the most
callous little wretch on earth.
The day of the funeral came in due course and all the generous "Youth of
the Schools," the grave Senate of the University, the delegations of the
Trade-guilds, might have obtained (if they cared) _de visu_ evidence of
the callousness of the little wretch. There was nothing in my aching
head but a few words, some such stupid sentences as, "It's done," or,
"It's accomplished" (in Polish it is much shorter), or something of the
sort, repeating itself endlessly. The long procession moved out of the
narrow street, down a long street, past the Gothic front of St. Mary's
under its unequal towers, towards the Florian Gate.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Elsewhere in the archive
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account