He pressed his clasped hands to his rugged brow, and thought over his
wasted opportunities, the rejected happiness of his past youth, and
there were moments when he was ready to curse the weak old woman who had
encouraged him in the chimerical notions of wealth and title. But all
that passed off.
"I ought to have known better," he said bitterly. "Poor, weak old piece
of vanity! Poor Louise! My sweet, true sister! Father!" he groaned,
"my indulgent, patient father! Poor old honest, manly Van Heldre!
Madelaine! my lost love!" And then, rising to his knees for the first
time since his taking refuge in the cave, he bowed himself down in body
and spirit in a genuine heartfelt prayer of repentance, and for the
forgiveness of his sin.
One long, long communing in the gloom of that solemn place with his God.
The hours glided on, and he still prayed, not in mere words, but in
thought, in deep agony of spirit, for help and guidance in the future,
and that he might live, and years hence return to those who had loved
him and loved his memory, another man.
The soft, pearly light of the dawn was stealing in through the narrow
opening, and the faint querulous cry of a gull fell upon his ear, and
seemed to arouse him to the knowledge that it was once more day--a day
he spent in thinking out what he should do.
Time glided slowly on, and a hundred plans had been conceived and
rejected. Poll Perrow came and went, never once complaining of the
difficulties she experienced in supplying him and herself, and daily did
her best to supply him with everything but money. That was beyond her.
And that was the real necessary now. He must have money to enable him
to reach London, and then France. So long a time had elapsed, and there
had been so terrible a finale to the episode, that he knew he might
endeavour to escape unchallenged; and at last, after a long hesitancy
and shrinking, and after feeling that there was only one to whom he
could go and confide in, and who would furnish him with help, he finally
made up his mind.
It was a long process, a constant fight of many hours of a spirit
weakened by suffering, till it was swayed by every coward dread which
arose. He tried to start a dozen times, but the heavier beat of a wave,
the fall of a stone from the cliff, the splash made by a fish, was
sufficient to send him shivering back; but at last he strung himself up
to the effort, feeling that if he delayed longer he would grow worse,
and that night poor old Poll Perrow reached the hiding-place after
endless difficulties, to sit down broken-hearted and ready to sob
wildly, as she felt that she must have been watched, and that in spite
of all her care and secrecy her "poor boy" had been taken away.
Volume 3, Chapter V.
BROTHER--LOVER.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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