Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary ParodyLang, Andrew
General
Old Friends: Essays in Epistolary Parody
Lang, Andrew
Imaginary letters; Parodies; Wit and humor
“What for should not I turn my coat, for luck, if you turn your chair?”
says he. “But if you are not preceesely satisfied, I will be proud to
step outside with you.”
I answered that we were not in a Highland wilderness, and that if no
malice were meant no affront was taken. We continued at the game till,
though deprived of my mirror, I had won some 500 Fredericks. On this he
rose, saying, “Sir, in this purse you will find the exact sum that I am
owing you, and I will call for my empty sporran the morn. It was Rob
Roy’s before it was mine.” Therewith he laid on the table a sort of
goatskin pouch, such as Highlanders gird about their loins, and marched
forth.
I set to work at opening his pouch, that was fastened by a spring and
button, seeming easy enough of access. But I had scarce pressed the
button when lo! a flash, a pistol shot, and my right hand is grazed with
a bullet that flew out of the bag. This Highlander of the Devil had some
mechanism in his purse that discharged a small steel pistol when unwarily
opened. My hand is but slightly wounded, yet I cannot hold my sword, nor
hath my search brought me any news of Alan Breck. He has vanished like
an emissary of the Devil or the Pretender, as I doubt not he is. But I
will have his blood, if he is not one of their Scotch fairies.—Your
loving Nephew,
REDMOND BARRY, OF BALLYBARRY.
P.S.—The Fredericks were in the bag, all told.
IV.
_From Mrs. Gamp to Mrs. Prig_.
Mrs. Gamp nurses an old friend who is under a singular delusion.
Todgers’s.
MY PRECIOUS BETSY,—Which when last we parted it was not as I could wish,
but bearing malice in our hearts. But, as often and often Mrs. Harris
have said it before me, with the tears in her angel eyes—one of them
having a slight cast from an accident with the moderator lamp, Harris
being quick in his temper—often and often have she said to me: “Ah,
Sairey, the quarrels of friends is affection’s best restorer.” And good
reason to know it she have, with a husband as was ever true, and never
gave her no cause to form the wish to pizen them as has good looks, but,
for I will not deceive you, ready with his hands.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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