Only a Girl: or, A Physician for the Soul.Hillern, Wilhelmine von
General
Only a Girl: or, A Physician for the Soul.
Hillern, Wilhelmine von
German fiction -- Translations into English
self-imposed chains of false ambition? Oh, Ernestine, do not let me
implore you further; say only one word,--to whom will you belong,--to
your uncle, or to me?"
"To myself, for no human being can belong to any other!" And her look
at Johannes was almost one of aversion. "Yes, now I see that you are
your mother's' son. I see her stern features, I hear her voice of
remonstrance, and I see myself between you,--a creature without
will,--no longer capable of independent thought or feeling, still less
of rendering any service to the world. Am I to cast aside like a
garment what has been the guiding hope of my life,--my dream by night
and day,--and go to your mother begging for forgiveness and indulgence,
excusing myself like a child, and promising future improvement, that I
may humbly receive from her cold lips the kiss of condescending pardon?
Again and again, No! What right has your mother to regard me as a
criminal, and to attempt to improve me? Whom have I injured? What law
of propriety have I infringed, that she should treat me like some
noxious thing in the world? I have lived in calm retirement, asking for
no happiness but that of labour. Why should she insist upon thrusting
another kind of happiness upon me, and blame me for not considering it
as such? Did I seek her out? Was it not against my will, and only in
accordance with your earnest entreaties, that I accompanied you to her
house? Why should she drive me from it like an intruder, and impose
upon me conditions of a return that I did not desire? Oh, if you, noble
and true as I once thought you, had loved me, not as you thought I
ought to be, but as I am, with all my faults and eccentricities, I
would have striven for your sake to become the most perfect woman in
the world. And if you had said to me, 'Be my companion,--I will help
you to vindicate the honour of your sex, whatever is sacred to you
shall be so to me also,'--if you had thus acknowledged my
individuality, and had intrusted your happiness, your honour, to my
keeping, without other warranty than the dictates of your own heart, I
would have bowed in reverence to a love so powerful,--I would gladly
have sacrificed my freedom to you,--to please you, I would have
performed the hardest task of all--humiliated myself before your
haughty mother! But when you come to me thus,--only her echo,--when you
make it the foundation of our happiness that I should be what she
chooses, and try to assure yourself at the outset that I will submit to
all your requirements, that you may run no risk from such a self-willed
creature,--all this shows me that she has separated us utterly. I have
lost you, and all that you have given me is the knowledge that I have
no place in this world, and that I am miserable!"
Johannes stood pale and mute before her, but his pure conscience shone
in his steady eyes. Ernestine did not venture to look at him. With
trembling hands she plucked to pieces a twig that she had just broken
from a bush at her side.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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