_Mat._ It’s the same thing. I like Tom Cobb better than I like you, and if he’ll marry me in a month I’ll have him, and if he won’t, why I’ll talk to you. There’s your answer now, and don’t bother again. _Whi._ In a month! (_Aside._) In a month! He _shan’t_ marry her in a month! If I can only manage to get him out of the way, and keep him there for a few weeks! (_Suddenly._) I’ll do it! It’ll cost money, but I’ll do it. _Enter TOM COBB._ Ah! Tom, my boy, I’m delighted to see you; how uncommonly jolly you’re looking, to be sure! _Tom_ (_very miserably_). Yes, I should say I was looking uncommonly jolly. _Whi._ Why, what’s the matter? _Tom._ Why, a good many things; and look here, Whipple, I wish next time you want a godfather for a nameless pauper you’d choose somebody else. _Whi._ Oh! you mean ugly old Tom Cobb! I beg your pardon--but he was so like you I couldn’t help it. But there, that needn’t distress you--for he died last night, and there’s an end of him. Never mind, old boy, I’ll make it up to you some day. _Tom_ (_suddenly_). Will you? Whipple, I’m in an awful fix about Ben Isaacs’ bills; now you’re well off--I did your botany paper for you at the College--will you lend me £250 on my personal security? I want a plain answer--yes or no. _Whi._ My dear boy, of course; with pleasure. _Tom_ (_delighted and surprised_). My dear Whipple! _Whi._ You shall have it, of course. (_Feeling for his handkerchief._) _Tom._ When? _Whi._ Why, now, if you like. _Tom._ What--the money? _Whi._ No; the plain answer. (_Takes out handkerchief, uses it, and returns it._) I haven’t a penny at my bankers. I’ve lent it all--to the colonel. What have you done with the money? _Tom._ Well, _I_ lent it all to--the Colonel. He borrowed it the very day he agreed to my engagement with Matilda; didn’t he, dear? _Mat._ (_clearing away breakfast things_). Just that very same day, dear. Directly after I told him ye were going to propose for me, and immediately before ye did it. _Whi._ Good soldier, the Colonel. _Tom._ Oh, he didn’t borrow it because he wanted it; he borrowed it to prevent my wasting it in foolishness. He said so; but I _should_ like to have a go in at some foolishness now and then, if it was only a pair of trousers or half a dozen socks. _Mat._ Yes, ye want socks. [_Exit MATILDA with breakfast things._ _Tom._ But what’s the use of socks to a man who’s going to blow his brains out? Whipple, I do assure you on my honour, if I knew a safe and perfectly painless way of popping out of this world into comfortable quarters in the next, I’d adopt it--upon my word and honour, I’d adopt it! _Whi._ (_suddenly_). Do you mean that? _Tom._ Yes, I mean that. _Whi._ Then I’ll help you. Now, observe: my old pauper patient, Tom Cobb, died last night. He hasn’t a friend or relation in the world to claim him. Well, I certify to his death, and he’s comfortably buried, and there’s an end of old Tom Cobb. _Tom._ The ugly one?