"Chargin'," said the Junior Subaltern, "is all bally rot; and when we carried a beastly sword it was positively dangerous. You blew your whistle, bolted out in front of your men, howled 'Char-r-r-ge!' shoved your foot in a hole, or got the scabbard between your legs an' came a regular mucker, and then some idiot behind either jumped on you or tripped over you, an' most likely prodded you with his bally bayonet."] [Illustration: M.G. _Extract from Diary._--"We got our Maxim into a capital position on the flank, but before we could fire a shot we were put out of action for some time."] [Illustration: More Army Reforms. _Our only Sub.:_ "Awful tommy rot big Battalions, don't you know; ever so much jollier with just the mess an' the band."] [Illustration: On Guard. _Officer of the day_ (_who believes in making sure that every man knows his work_): "Ah? What are you?" (_No answer._) "Er! What are your orders?" (_No answer._) "What the dooce are you doing here?" _Recruit_ (_on sentry go for the first time_): "Please, zur, I bz waitin' for they to tell I to come to tay!"] [Illustration: A Misunderstanding. _Colonel_ (_to recruit who has forgotten to salute him_): "What Company do you belong to?" _Recruit_ (_mindful of his civil occupation_): "Th--Th--The Gas Company, please, Sir!"] [Illustration] No. 4. Pte. TIMOTHY SIMMONS. _Saturday._--'Ad a bit of a row with the old man afore starting; 'e wants me to give mother 'arf my camp pay, same as if it were wages. Told 'im I would if I could, so I expect there'll be more rows when we gets back. Said good-bye to Mary, an' told her if I 'eard of any goings on with Bill Jenkins, as could go to camp if 'e wanted to right enough, I'd spoil 'is face for 'im. She said I ought to be walkin' 'er out instead o' wastin' my time playin' at soldiers, an' that Bill's a very sensible chap. I ses as 'e's a waster an' a perfect bloomin' idjet at drill, always a throwin' us out. Jawin' with 'er made me a bit late for parade, but our leftenant didn't seem to mind for a wonder. Usually 'is temper's awful if things don't go as he likes. He cocked 'is bloomin' eye-glass at me, tho', in a way as made me think 'e was going to start cussin'. Twasn't bad with all the village looking on, an' we marched off in style.