The thread of my discourse is tangled; what I want to say Is this, that boys are often awfully unfair in play, Trench on the rights of youngsters, tease and frighten, Make heavier the burdens which they ought to lighten, Turn bullies, fag the weakest, and, in short, Do many things which members of a play-ground never ought. I know a school, not many hundred miles from here, Where practices prevail which at the least are queer. For instance, I have sometimes heard a boy declare, With all the bombast of a champion’s air, That he was best man in the school; and he would prove his right By calling any trembling unfledged urchin out to fight; Now fighting, gentlemen, is not to be applauded, and I say That he’s the better man who does not fight, but runs away. (_Opposition, Nay!_) Neigh as you will, ay, even till you’re _hoarse_, (_A racy_ bit of humour comes of _course_,) I’ll say _nae mair_, but still, if fight he must, I hope You’ll recommend his joining Garibaldi or the Pope. And in that self-same school an evil still prevails, Of settling disputes by means of heads and tails. I hold it, Sir, unparliamentary for us to toss in air The likeness of our sovereign lady fair, And make her settle, whether or not she chooses, Such points as “Heads I win, and tails he loses.” I move, therefore, as one important clause in our reforming rules, Leave fighting for the Pope, and “tossing” for his bulls. Time will not now permit, or I would seek to show How many more important measures we might take in tow, And change _in toto_ many evil things which sway The conduct of Young England when at play. But as the hour advances, I feel, Sir, it is meet That I should—er—hem! er—take my seat. (_Satirical cries of “Hear, hear,” from the Opposition, and immense applause from Arthur Mortram, the other member on the Ministerial bench._) Mr. WALTER STANLEY. I rise in some surprise, to tell my noble friend, Who brought his speech to such a cheery end, That however much he is inclined to tax his mind, Great faults in play-ground practices to find, I have no hesitation, er—hem! in declaring, That while in some degree his feeling sharing, I cannot be in ignorance of the fact how much he lacked A forcible expression of his views, and, did I chose, I think I should be justified in saying He made foul statements on fair playing. He stated in a most decisive way— Mr. ALEC BOYCE. Allow me just to say— Mr. WALTER STANLEY. Eh? Mr. ALEC BOYCE. I wish to say in explanation, and for fear— Mr. OSWALD LAYTON. Hear! hear! Mr. ARTHUR MORTRAM. I rise to order, Mr. Speaker, and should like to know— CHORUS. Oh! oh! Mr. SPEAKER, _in a passion_.