Our Family Affairs, 1867-1896Benson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
General
Our Family Affairs, 1867-1896
Benson, E. F. (Edward Frederic)
Benson family
There were certainly lessons in those days, I suppose for about an hour
a day. There was a book called _Reading without Tears_, which said that
a-b was “ab,” and d-o-g was “dog.” There must have been certain crises
over this learning for I was kept in instead of going out one day, and,
with the fatal habit of inversion which has clung to me all my life,
said, so my mother told me, “I call it tears without reading!” I record
this anecdote in pure self-condemnation: I don’t suppose I knew that
this _obiter dictum_ made sense; it was only the beginning of a habit to
play about with words, and see to what fashion of affairs they could be
suited. Every morning also, when we came downstairs we went into my
mother’s sitting-room, and learned a new verse of a Psalm, repeating the
verses previously learned. The Twenty-Third Psalm was one of these, and
the Ninety-First I think must have been another, since I cannot remember
the time when I did not know it by heart. I do not think that these
religious repetitions meant anything to me; they were part of the
inevitable day, which was full of glee.
That my mother had any other life of her own, full as I know it to have
been of worries and anxieties and of marvellous happinesses, never, as
was natural, occurred to any of us. She was, as far as concerns my
memory of her at Wellington, a glorious sunlit figure, living a life
that appeared to be the apotheosis of hedonism, the mistress of a
shouting houseful of children, all wilful, all set on having their own
way, and she calmly ruled us all, without even letting us know that we
were being ruled. All the time she was a very young woman married to a
man twelve years her senior who was as violently individual as anyone
could be. But for us she floated there like the moons of eau-de-Cologne
which embellished our handkerchiefs, carrying something of the fairyhood
of Abracadabra, and all the wizardry of her own inimitable wisdom. After
Beth it was she who first emerged out of the landscape which once
embraced trees and people alike, and to us soared upwards like a rising
constellation. She could not take Beth’s place, for Beth filled that,
but she enlarged a child’s heart, and dwelt there. She never ceased from
her own enlargements: in my mother’s house there were many mansions.
There were mansions for everybody, and none of the tenants usurped the
place of another. As we grew up, all of us, without exception, felt that
we were especially hers, and were in a unique relation to her. We were
all quite right about that, and so were a myriad friends of hers. There
was “the best room” for each of them. How she did it, how she conveyed
that adorable truth I know now, because I know that love is of infinite
dimensions, and has the same perfect room for all. But the childish
instinct was right: she cared supremely, and gave her whole heart to
each of us.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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