It is customary upon these occasions to say something of an apologetic nature for the purpose of inducing the public to believe that the author regards with humility the work of which he is really exceedingly proud--something that will tend to soften the blows which are expected from ferocious and cruel critics. But I believe I have nothing of this kind to offer. If I thought the book required an apology, I would not publish it. Any reviewer who does not like it is at liberty to say so; and I am the more ready to accord him this permission because I am impressed with the conviction that he will hit as hard as he wants to whether I give him leave or withhold it. All I ask is that the volume shall have fair play. If it is successful as an attempt to construct a book of humor which will contribute to innocent popular amusement without violating the laws that govern the construction and orthography of the English language, and as an effort to give pleasure to sensible grown people without offering entertainment to children and idiots, it deserves commendation. If it is a failure in these respects, then it ought to be suppressed, for it certainly has no mighty moral purpose, and it is not designed to reform anything on earth but the personal fortunes of the author. MAX ADELER. CONTENTS. CHAPTER I. PAGE The founder of New Castle--A search for quietness--Life in the city and in the village--Why the latter is preferable--Peculiarities of the village--A sleepy old town--We erect our family altar 25 CHAPTER II. A very dangerous invention--The patent combination step-ladder--Domestic servants--Advertising for a girl--The peasant-girl of fact and fiction--A contrast 36 CHAPTER III. The view upon the river--A magnificent panorama--Mr. and Mrs. Cooley--Matrimonial infelicities--The case of Mrs. Sawyer--A blighted life--A present--Our century plant and its peculiarities 47 CHAPTER IV. Judge Pitman--His experiment in the barn--A lesson in natural history--Catching the early train--One of the miseries of living in the village--Ball's lung exercise--Mr. Cooley's impertinence 56 CHAPTER V. A little love affair--Cowardice of Mr. Parker--Popular interest in amatory matters--The Magruder family--An event in its history--Remarkable experiments by Mrs. Magruder--An indignant husband--A question answered 68 CHAPTER VI.