Produced by Al Haines OUTLOOK ODES By T. W. H. CROSLAND AUTHOR OF "THE UNSPEAKABLE SCOT," "LITERARY PARABLES," "THE FINER SPIRIT," &c. LONDON: AT THE UNICORN VII CECIL COURT W.C. MCMII TO THE LORD WINDSOR ONE GOOD TURN DESERVES ANOTHER CONTENTS TO THE PRIVATE MEMBER TO THE TRUE-BORN BRITON (_After Peace Night._) TO THE CAMBRIDGE CREW TO DAN LENO (_On his appearance at Sandringham._) TO THE POPE TO THE RIGHT HONOURABLE JOSEPH CHAMBERLAIN (_Touching his audience of the King._) TO THE TSAR (_After Dunkirk._) TO DAN LENO TO THE POET LAUREATE TO THE AMERICAN INVADER TO THE "MUDDIED OAF" TO A PUBLISHER TO AN HOTEL KEEPER TO THE MAN WITH A GUN TO THE STOCK EXCHANGE (_On its Centenary._) TO THE LORD MAYOR (_November_ 9_th._) TO THE MOTORIST TO NEXT CHRISTMAS TO THE TRIPPER TO THE GLASGOW MAGISTRATES (_On their proposal to banish barmaids._) TO A BOOKSELLER TO THE DECEASED WIFE'S SISTER TO THE CHANCELLOR OF THE EXCHEQUER (_Before his retirement._) TO THE COMMON GOLFER TO MR. PIERPONT MORGAN TO PRINCE EDWARD OF YORK (_On the return of the "Ophir."_) TO MME. BERNHARDT TO SIR WILLIAM HARCOURT TO THE KING'S BULLDOG TO THE _DAILY MAIL_ (_August_ 3, 1901.) TO EVERYBODY TO THE PRIVATE MEMBER My dear Sir,-- You may think it unkind of me To interrupt the peaceful calm of your holiday With a poem about business. But I assure you, my dear sir, That I do so with the very best intentions, And at the call of what I consider to be duty. Duty, as you know, is a tremendous abstraction, And brings a man into all sorts of difficult corners. It was duty that took you into Parliament: Similarly it is duty that constrains me to Odes. When a man sees another man and pities him, It is the duty of the first man to let the other man know about it Delicately. I pity you, my dear Mr. Private Member, From the bottom of a bottomless heart. Many a time and oft in the course of my rambles Through the lobbies and liquor bars of St. Stephens It has been my ineffable portion to run across you-- Silk hat, frock coat, baggy trousers, patient stare, bored expression: Suddenly you smile And crook the pregnant hinges of the back of your neck. Mrs. Wiggle, the three Misses Wiggle, and little Master Wiggle, Wife, daughters, and son of Mr. Forthree Wiggle, Draper, and burgess of the good old Parliamentary Division Of Mudsher West, Are up from Mudsher West, And they want showin' round the 'Ouse, you know. Round you go. Again: you appear in the Strangers' Lobby, Spectacles on nose, somebody's card in hand. The policeman roars out name of leading constituent. Leading constituent departed in a huff twenty minutes ago, Because he thought you were not attending to him. There being no answer, Policeman roars out name of leading constituent once more. Name echoes along Lords' Lobby;