Outside the aforesaid cafe, The crowd Was so numerous And exuberant That I was compelled (Much to my annoyance, of course) To remain inside Till closing-time. Then I went home In the friendly embrace Of a four-wheeler. For a little while, There was much shouting and yelling and roaring and squeaking and singing; And then I knew No more. My cab Bowled away Through the sweet evening air (That is to say, If the common or Regent Street growler Ever does bowl away), And all the time I snored. Duly awakened Outside my bungalow, I raked up the fare, And, in reply to kind enquiries In the hall, I remarked: "Peace, O woman of mine, Peace!" TO THE CAMBRIDGE CREW My dear Cambridge, You have pulled it off, As all men know. This ode Will make Oxford pretty sick; But the spoils are to the victor. If Oxford had rowed better And won, They should have had a nice new ode, Like good boys; But they have been and gone and lost, And are, therefore, Not fit subjects For immortal verse. Pah! I pass by Oxford! As for you, dear Cambridge, Here's to you: In spite of your long and honourable connection With the manufacture Of sossiges, There appears to be something in you, Which is more than can be said For some of the sossiges. Cambridge, my own, You have won the bowt rice! 'Ave a drink! What is the good of winning the bowt rice, If you don't 'ave a drink? I don't know, And I'm sure you don't. Also, what is the good Of winning the bowt rice At all? I give it up. Yes, I do really; Please do let me give it up. You have won; You can afford to be generous; Suffer me to indulge my little whim: There is no good In winning the bowt rice, Cambridge No good at all. On the other hand, When I come to think of it I am not quite sure That to have rowed In the Cambridge boat Which won the bowt rice, Is materially to have damaged One's prospects or career: At the very least, it makes one safe For a tutor's job At £80 per annum; And what self-respecting person from Cambridge Could wish for more? I have heard of a man Who rowed In a winning Cambridge boat And is now driving A hansom cab. And I have heard of another man Who omitted to row In a winning Cambridge boat And is now driving a four-wheeler. You see the difference, of course! After all, To row In a winning Cambridge boat Does give one A sort of start in life, And don't you forget it. Always remember, my dear Cambridge, who you are. You licked Oxford by five lengths In 1902. This is probably All you will get For your father's money. Be thankful. TO MR. DAN LENO (_On his Appearance at Sandringham_)