Pages from a Journal with Other PapersWhite, William Hale
General
Pages from a Journal with Other Papers
White, William Hale
English essays
woman, I should have passed on, unconscious of anything inconsistent with
myself, but she in an instant made me aware with hardly half a dozen
words that I had disgraced myself. I was ashamed, not so much because I
had done what was in the abstract wrong, but because it was something
which was not in keeping with my real character. I hope it will not be
thought that I am prosing if I take this opportunity of saying that the
laws peculiar to each of us are those which we are at the least pains to
discover and those which we are most prone to neglect. We think we have
done our duty when we have kept the commandments common to all of us, but
we may perhaps have disgracefully neglected it.
Oh, how that afternoon with B. burnt itself into my memory for ever! I
was sitting on my little sofa with books piled round me. He removed a
few of the books, and I removed the others. He sat down beside me, and,
taking my hand, said he hoped I had forgiven him, and that I would
remember that in such a little place he was obliged to be very careful,
and to be quite sure of his patients, if they were women. He trusted I
should believe that there was no other person _in the world_ (the
emphasis on that word!) to whom he would have ventured to impart such a
secret. I was appeased, especially when, after a few minutes’ silence,
he took my hand and kissed it, the first and last kiss. He said nothing
further, and departed. The next time I saw him he was more than usually
deferential, more than ever desirous to come closer to me, and I thought
the final word must soon be spoken.
M. remained in S. till far into the autumn, but I did not see much of
her. My work had begun again. B. continued to call on me as my health
was not quite re-established. We had agreed to read the same author at
the same time, in order that we might discuss him together whilst our
impressions were still fresh. Somehow his interest in these readings
began to flag; he informed me presently that I had now almost, entirely
recovered, and weeks often passed without meeting him. One afternoon I
was surprised to find M. in my room when I returned from a walk with my
pupils. She had been waiting for me nearly half an hour, and I could not
at first conjecture the reason. Gradually she drew the conversation
towards B. and at last asked me what I thought of him. Instantly I saw
what had happened. What I imagined was once mine had been stolen, stolen
perhaps unconsciously, but nevertheless stolen, my sole treasure. She
was rich, she had a father and mother, she had many friends and would
certainly have been married had she never seen B. I, as I have said, was
almost penniless; I was an orphan, with few friends; he was my first
love, and I knew he would be my last.
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