Frontier and pioneer life -- West (U.S.) -- Fiction; Short stories; West (U.S.) -- Social life and customs -- Fiction; Western stories
"Now, in them days, a man's averdupoise was his abstract of title.
There was nothing said about records and patentees as long as you
worked your ground; but, likewise, when you didn't work it, somebody
else usually did. We had a thousand feet of as good dirt as ever
laid out in the rain; but there was men around drulin' to snipe it,
and I knowed it was risky to leave. However, I saw what was gnawin'
at the boy, and if ever a man needed a friend and criminal lawyer,
that was the time. According to the zodiac, certain persons, to the
complainant unknown, had a mess of trouble comin' up and I wanted to
have the bail money handy.
"We jumped camp together. I made oration to the general gnat-bitten
populace, from the gang-plank, to the effect that one William P.
Joyce, trap, crap, and snap shooter was due to happen back casual
most any time, and any lady or gent desirous of witnessing at first
hand, a shutzenfest with live targets, could be gratified by
infestin' in person or by proxy, the lands, tenements, and
hereditaments of me and the kid.
"'Well, we hit the Seattle docks at a canter, him headed for the
postal telegraph, me for a fruit-stand. I bought a dollar's worth of
everything, from cracker-jack to cantaloupe, reserving the local
option of eatin' it there in whole or in part, and returning for
more. First fresh fruit in three years. I reckon my proudest hour
come when I found, beyond peradventure, that I hadn't forgot the
'Georgy Grind.' What? 'Georgy Grind' consists of feeding
rough-hewed slabs of watermelon into your sou' sou'east corner, and
squirting a stream of seeds out from the other cardinal points,
without stopping or strangling.
"I et and et, and then wallered up to the hotel, sweatin' a different
kind of fruit juice from every pore. Not wishing to play any
favourites, I'd picked up a basket of tomatoes, a gunny-sack of
pineapples, and a peck of green plums on the way. Them plums done
the business. I'd orter let bad enough alone. They was non-union,
and I begin having trouble with my inside help. Morrow turned in a
hurry-up call for the Red Cross, two medical colleges, and the
Society of Psycolic Research. Between 'em they diagnosed me as
containing everything from 'housemaid's knee' to homesickness of the
vital organs, but I _know_. I swallered a plum pit, and it sprouted.
"Next day, when I come out of it, Justus had heard from Denver. His
wife had been gone a year, destination unknown. Somebody thought she
went to California, so, two days later, we registered at the Palace,
and the 'Frisco police begin dreaming of five thousand dollar rewards.
"It was no use, though. One day I met Struthers on Market Street,
and he was scared stiff to hear that Morrow was in town. It seems he
was night editor of one of the big dailies.
"'Do you know where the girl is?' says I.
"'Yes, she's in New York,' he answers, looking queer, so I hurried
back to the hotel.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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