Who, when I yell’d, cried, “Hold your din!” Or choked me with a drop of gin (It wasn’t spasms, but a pin)? Dear Nursy-pursy. Who on my toddlums let me run Much sooner than she should have done, Which I’ve grown up a bandy one? My Nursy-pursy. ANONYMOUS. ――――:o:―――― COMPETITION IN LONG CLOTHES. A LAY OF NORTH WOOLWICH. (_Apropos of the Baby Show_). Who felt the weight, and scanned the size Of rival yearlings with surprise, Yet doubted not to win the Prize? My Mother! The heat, the Baby-freighted train, To change thy purpose all were vain; Was’t love of me? or hope of gain, My Mother? Who let the public eye make free With secrets of our nursery, That int’rest only you and me? My Mother! Who babes with piglings would confound, Show both for flesh, so firm and sound, And weigh their merits _by the pound_? My Mother! Ambition noble! to prepare Spring infants, fattened up with care, FIRST QUALITY, TEN POUNDS THE PAIR, My Mother! If breeders prizes be allowed, Maternity, to please the crowd, Concurrently must be endowed, My Mother! Home joys, my mother, now are cheap: I pass my time in healthy sleep, Yet win a cup to pay my keep, My Mother! _The Tomahawk_, July 31, 1869. ――――:o:―――― MY MOTHER-IN-LAW. Who kissed me when I first was wed, And _said_ I was her “dear son Fred”―― But did not mean a word she said? My Mother-in-law. Who when our honeymoon was o’er Came just to stop a week, no more! And proved herself a horrid bore? My Mother-in-law. Who coming for a week to stay, Remained serene day after day, And showed no wish to go away? My Mother-in-law. Who sowed the seeds of married strife Between the husband and the wife, And so embittered all our life? My Mother-in-law. Who never let a quarrel flag, Whose tongue was ne’er too tired to wag, Who taught her daughter how to nag? My Mother-in-law. Whom would I fain, ah! fain beguile To some far distant Sandwich Isle?[21] That infamous old crocodile, My Mother-in-law. ――――:o:―――― A LAY OF REAL LIFE. Who ruined me ere I was born, Sold every acre, grass and corn, And left the next heir all forlorn? My Grandfather. Who said my mother was “no nurse,” And physicked me and made me worse, Till infancy became a curse? My Grandmother.