By “slanging” Liberals I made such a name, That a full-blown Premier I soon became; With a “brute majority” to dance to my flute, I made an Indian Empress, and an Earl to boot! And that smart, Imperial juggle did so well for me, That now I am a noble and, you know, K.G.! I grew so trusted that I was sent To the Congress, Britain for to represent. I cut up Turkey and insulted Greece; But you know I collared Cyprus, and I “brought back peace.” For a “peace with honour” they rewarded me By making of a nobleman a brave K.G.! Now, statesmen all, whoever you may be, If you’re wishful to emulate this “big, big D.,” If your souls are not fettered to the Lower House, Be careful to be guided by the rule of nous: Stick close to the Crown, and never chop down trees, And you all may be noblemen, and all K.G.’s. _Funny Folks._ September 7, 1878. ―――― PRESIDENT GARFIELD. When he was a lad he served a term On a big canal with a boatman’s firm: With a heart so free, and a will so strong, On the towpath drove two mules along; And he drove those mules so carefullee He’s a candidate now for the Presidencee. As a driver boy he made such a mark He came to the deck of the inland barque And all of the perils to boat and crew He stood at the helm and guided thro’. He stood at the helm so manfullee He’s a candidate now for the Presidencee. He did so well with the helm and the mules, They made him a teacher of district schools; And when from college in a bran new suit, A Greek professor at the Institute, Where Greek and Latin he taught so free He’s a candidate now for the Presidencee. The song traces General Garfield’s history through ten stanzas, and closes in this moral and improving strain:―― Now boys who cherish ambitious schemes, Though now you may be but drivers of teams, Look well to the work you may chance to do, And do it with a hand that is kind and true. Whatever you do, do it faithfullee, And you may aspire to the Presidencee. From a United States pamphlet, entitled _Republican Campaign Songs_, 1880. A political parody of the same original, but of purely local interest, was published in _Melbourne Punch_, August 26, 1880, describing the career of Mr. Berry, an Australian politician. ―――― _LITTLE PRIMROSE’S SONG._ (_After Little Buttercup_.) _Lord B._―― A many years ago, When I became a Tory, My brain was all aglow With dreams of fame and glory.