_Chorus_――Yes! yes! yes! yes! A Heavy Dragoon is the residuum! * * * * * ADVISE TO A SHORTHAND JENIUS. I. If you want a resiet for a novel stenografy, a paragon sistem, fonetik and true, and which in a trise shal extinguish Phonography, list, and I’l tel you just what you shud do. Note what inventions old authorz hav hit upon, boldly appropriate all that you kan; take the quintessens ov all that you’v lit upon, arranje it anew on a different plan; shuffel the strokes til you’v got a new alfabet; skatter the dots here and there for the vowelz: the serkelz and kurvz you must mix up yourself a bit; abbreviate words by ejekting their bowelz; lengthen your outlinez to make an addition; shorten them now to show an omission; kompile a whole pajeful ov neat intersektionz; ov rulez and exseptionz make bulky kollektionz; ov frazez and grammalogz next ad a few; turn on some digrafs and poligrafs too. Take ov theze elements all that’s most horribel; stir them together in fashion deplorribel; set them to simmer, and take of the skum; and a new shorthand sistem’z the re-sid-u-um. Yes, yes, yes, yes! A new shorthand sistem’z the re-sid-u-um! II. If you want a resiet for th’ advertisement part ov it, don’t let dul modesty stand in the way. Write a tall prefase, extolling the art ov it; ’gainst every rival most loudly inveigh: announs that none other dezervz popularity; state that ther’z everything exsellent in it, that its writerz’ attain an astounding selerity―― nine hundred and ninety-nine wordz in a minit! Next kritisize Pitman in languaje sensorious; deklare that hiz sistem’z playd out and effete, that your own method’z quickly bekuming viktorious, and wil soon make Phonography take a back seat. What tho your outlinez be shocking monstrositiz, useles, exsept az sublime kuriositiz; what tho your sistem abound with absurditiz so that when a sign’z written you kan’t tel what word it iz: pen pamflets, and posterz, and frendly reviewz; hand-billz and serkularz widely diffuze. If singly theze elements don’t seem respektabel, mix them together in fashion delektabel, set them to simmer, and take of the scum, and a short span ov fame iz the resid-u-um. Yes, yes, yes, yes! A short span ov fame is the re-sid-u-um. From _The Phonetic Journal_, 1886. ―――― BUNTHORNE’S SONG.