I’m thirty-five! I’m thirty five! And so to keep I shall contrive, Until I long enough have played An ample fortune to have made, Then I, with bitter scorn, intend The stage to fiercely reprehend, And publicly to set my face Against this national disgrace. Meanwhile, ’till I can this contrive, I’m thirty-five! I’m thirty-five! When I the age of forty see, No more the stage shall know of me; No more will I take leading parts With actresses who show their _cartes_; That is, I won’t unless, of course, Things unforeseen my hand should force. If all goes well, though, at that age I mean to gladly quit the stage! Meantime, until my time arrive, I’m thirty-five! I’m thirty-five! _Truth Christmas Number._ 1884. Mrs. Kendal (of the St. James’s Theatre, London) read a paper on the modern stage at the Social Science Congress, held in Birmingham, in September, 1884. Some of the opinions she expressed gave great offence in theatrical circles. ――――:o:―――― FAR AWAY. _A Song of Swindling Directors._ Where is our last big _coup_? Far, far away! Where are our profits, too? Far, far away! ’Till, in our indigence, We think of getting hence, Perhaps clients have less sense, Far, far away! Far away! Far away! Where are those “specs” we made? Far, far away! Where is our quiet trade! Far, far away! Once we had mansions fine, Now lodgings are our line; In two-pair backs we pine―― Far, far away! Far away! Far away! Gone are our prancing steeds, Far, far away! Gone those expensive weeds. Far, far away! Gone with our mashing suits, Gone with our varnished boots; Gone with our hothouse fruits―― Far, far away! Far away, far away! Once there were “bogus” lines, Far, far away! Likewise much “salted” mines, Far, far away! O how we “bulled” their shares, Then how we turned to “bears,” None now such “sells” prepares, Far, far away! Far away, far away! P’rhaps folks can still be “done,” Far, far away! So we will cut and run, Far, far away! Here swindles now are vain, But, once across the main, We may pick up again, Far, far away! Far away, far away! _Truth Christmas Number_, 1884. ―――― THE FARNBOROUGH SOW.