――――:o:―――― TU QUOQUE. _An Idyll in the Conservatory._ (Inserted with the Author’s permission.) _Nellie._ If I were you, when ladies at the play, Sir, Beckon and nod, a melodrama through, I would not turn abstractedly away, Sir, If I were you! _Frank._ If I were you, when persons I affected, Wait for three hours to take me down to Kew, I would at least pretend I recollected, If I were you! _Nellie._ If I were you, when ladies are so lavish, Sir, as to keep me every waltz but two, I would not dance with _odious_ Miss McTavish, If I were you! _Frank._ If I were you, who vow you cannot suffer Whiff of the best,――the mildest “honey dew,” I would not dance with smoke-consuming Puffer, If I were you! _Nellie._ If I were you, I would not, Sir, be bitter, Even to write the “Cynical Review;”―― _Frank._ No, I should doubtless find flirtation fitter. If I were you! _Nellie._ Really! You would? Why, Frank, you’re quite delightful,―― Hot as Othello, and as black of hue; Borrow my fan. I would not look so _frightful_, If I were you! _Frank._ “It is the cause.” I mean your chaperon is Bringing some well-curled juvenile. Adieu! I shall retire. I’d spare that poor Adonis, If I were you! _Nellie._ Go, if you will. At once! And by express, Sir; Where shall it be? To China――or Peru? Go. I should leave inquirers my address, Sir, If I were you! _Frank._ No――I remain. To stay and fight a duel Seems, on the whole, the proper thing to do―― Ah, you are strong,――I would not then be cruel, If I were you! _Nellie._ One does not like one’s feelings to be doubted,―― _Frank._ One does not like one’s friends to misconstrue,―― _Nellie._ If I confess that I a wee-bit pouted? _Frank._ I should admit that I was _piqué_, too. _Nellie._ Ask me to dance. I’d say no more about it, If I were you! (Waltz. _Exeunt._) AUSTIN DOBSON. ―――― AN IDYLL OF THE LOBBY. _Liberal Seceder._ If I were you, when friends electioneering Wish to preserve consistency of view, I would forewarn when Hawarden gales are veering―― If I were you. _Right Hon. W. E. Gladstone._ If I were you, when issuing addresses, I would observe the simple rule of two Meanings in a sentence――tip for safe successes―― If I were you.