_L. S._ If I were you, when older friends reveal a Freedom in spending time and money too, I would not rush to dance a jig with Healy―― If I were you. _W. E. G._ If I were you, who swear you cannot suffer Plutocrat and peer, landlord and Jew, I would not tilt against the people like a duffer―― If I were you. _L. S._ I would not go at such an awful rate, or Friends may forsake you――thing they’re apt to do―― _W. E. G._ I would remember the fate of such a traitor―― If I were you. _L. S._ Surely you never――call a party meeting; Try to arrange that each may get his due; Keep the dear Irish; I’d avoid a beating, If I were you. _W. E. G._ No, I depart, I must consult the people, Chamberlain’s coming――Randolph with him too―― I wouldn’t pray ’neath Chamberlainic steeple, If I were you. _L. S._ Go, if you will; my faith is not so flabby; Cowards in midlands happily are few. Stay! I would take that little trick from Labby―― If I were you. _W. E. G._ Done! I remain――Brummagem to pound well. Leave it till autumn――now, of course, you’re true? Wouldn’t smash the party (surely doesn’t sound well) If I were you. _L. S._ One does not like that Caucus-pressure leaning. _W. E. G._ Yes, I was sorry――had to use the screw. _L. S._ If I confess that I mistook your meaning―― _W. E. G._ I will allow ’twas fair to misconstrue. _Late L. S._ Ask me to vote. You’ve got to put the green in, And cannon off the blue: I’d chalk my cue If I were you. K. _The Pall Mall Budget._ June 3, 1886. ――――:o:―――― THE PRODIGALS. (_After Mr. Austin Dobson’s famous ballade._) [Dedicated to Mr. Chaplin, M.P., and Mr. Richard Power, M.P., and 223 who followed them.] Ministers!――you, most serious, Critics and statesmen of all degrees, Hearken awhile to the motion of us,―― Senators keen for the Epsom breeze! Nothing we ask of posts or fees; Worry us not with objections pray! Lo,――for the Speaker’s wig we seize Give us――ah! give us――the Derby Day. Scots most prudent, penurious! Irishmen busy as humblebees! Hearken awhile to the motion of us,―― Senators keen for the Epsom breeze! For Sir Joseph’s sake, and his owner’s, please! (Solomon raced like fun, they say) Lo for we beg on our bended knees,―― Give us――ah! give us――the Derby Day.