I hope I pain no one by quoting Janet's common sense. For that I should
be sorry. I remember her words because so often, when sinking in sloughs
of childish despond, they afforded me firm foothold. More often than
I can tell, when compelled to listen to the sententious voice of
immeasurable Folly glibly explaining the eternal mysteries, has it
comforted me to whisper to myself: “I don't believe it of Him. He's got
more sense.”
And about that period I had need of all the comfort I could get. As
we descend the road of life, the journey, demanding so much of our
attention, becomes of more importance than the journey's end; but to the
child, standing at the valley's gate, the terminating hills are
clearly visible. What lies beyond them is his constant wonder. I never
questioned my parents directly on the subject, shrinking as so strangely
we all do, both young and old, from discussion of the very matters
of most moment to us; and they, on their part, not guessing my need,
contented themselves with the vague generalities with which we seek
to hide even from ourselves the poverty of our beliefs. But there were
foolish voices about me less reticent; while the literature, illustrated
and otherwise, provided in those days for serious-minded youth, answered
all questionings with blunt brutality. If you did wrong you burnt in a
fiery furnace for ever and ever. Were your imagination weak you could
turn to the accompanying illustration, and see at a glance how you
yourself would writhe and shrink and scream, while cheerful devils, well
organised, were busy stoking. I had been burnt once, rather badly, in
consequence of live coals, in course of transit on a shovel, being let
fall upon me. I imagined these burning coals, not confined to a mere
part of my body, but pressing upon me everywhere, not snatched swiftly
off by loving hands, the pain assuaged by applications of soft soap and
the blue bag, but left there, eating into my flesh and veins. And this
continued for eternity. You suffered for an hour, a day, a thousand
years, and were no nearer to the end; ten thousand, a million years, and
yet, as at the very first, it was for ever, and for ever still it would
always be for ever! I suffered also from insomnia about this period.
“Then be good,” replied the foolish voices round me; “never do wrong,
and so avoid this endless agony.”
But it was so easy to do wrong. There were so many wrong things to do,
and the doing of them was so natural.
“Then repent,” said the voices, always ready.
But how did one repent? What was repentance? Did I “hate my sin,” as I
was instructed I must, or merely hate the idea of going to hell for
it? Because the latter, even my child's sense told me, was no true
repentance. Yet how could one know the difference?
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
Reviews
Reviews
No reviews yet
Be the first to share your thoughts on this work.
Join the Discussion
Join the discussion
Sign in to leave a comment or review.
Sign InorCreate an account