Atonement -- Fiction; Clergy -- England -- Fiction; Illegitimate children -- Fiction
His most passionate prayers had been for his own forgiveness, for the
restoration of his own peace of mind, for the blessing of God upon his
own little labours; selfish prayers, one and all; and he saw the
selfishness at last. It shocked him. He tried to stamp it out, this new
and obtrusive egoism; but he failed. Denied all contact with his
fellow-creatures, with only his own wishes to consult, his own work to
do, his own heart to probe, his own life to discipline, the man was an
egoist before he knew it; and it was only through his prayers that he
ever discovered it at all. They were not only unanswered; they no longer
brought their own momentary comfort, as heretofore. Of old it had been
much more than momentary; now it was no comfort at all. There must be
some reason for this; he asked himself what reason; and the answer was
this revelation of the true character of his prayers. They were poisoned
at the fount. He tried to purify them, but all in vain. Self would creep
in. So then he prayed only for a renewal of the faculty of pure and
unselfish prayer. And this was the most passionate of all his prayers.
But it also was unanswered. So he prayed no more.
He was unforgiven: so Carlton explained it to himself. And a little
brooding convinced him of his idea. If God had forgiven him, He would
have shown some sign of His clemency through men. But what had men done?
They had broken his windows; they had burnt his church; they had closed
up every avenue to such poor atonement as was in his power; they had
forced him into a position which he had never sought, though for a
little it had consoled him; then tried, by false accusation, to force
him out of it; and now they had cut him off from themselves, had set him
apart as a thing eternally unclean, had even stooped to destroy the one
dumb being that clung to him in his exile!
The murder of the dog was no little thing in itself; coming at the foot
of such a list, at the bitter end of a night of bitterness, it was the
last drop that petrified a truly humble and a strenuously contrite
heart.
But it did not petrify his hand; and the work of that hand went on
without ceasing, save on that day which was now the Day of Rest
indeed--and nothing more. The other six, his energies were redoubled. If
he was now more than ever a traitor to his Master, well, there was still
this one thing that he could do for the Master's sake. And he did it
with all his might.
No day was too wet for him; no day was too cold. His fingers might turn
blue, his moustache might freeze; it is beside the point that the winter
chanced to be too mild for the latter contingency. While five fingers
could control the chisel, and the other hand strike true, no weather
could have deterred him. And no weather did.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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