Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
Last winter he advertised for sealed proposals to erect a pair of shoes
for him, and when the bids were opened it was found that a local architect
in leather had secured the contract, and after mortgaging his house to a
Milwaukee tannery, and borrowing some money on his diamonds of his
"uncle," John Comstock, who keeps a pawnbrokery there, he broke ground for
the shoes.
Owing to the snow blockade and the freshets, and the trouble to get hands
who would work on the dome, there were several delays, and Judge Evans was
at one time inclined to cancel the contract, and put some strings in box
cars and wear them in place of shoes, but sympathy for the contractor, who
had his little awl invested in the material and labor, induced him to put
up with the delay.
On Saturday the shoes were completed, all except laying the floor and
putting on a couple of bay windows for corns and conservatories for
bunions, and the judge concluded to wear them on Sunday. He put them on,
but got the right one on the left foot, and the left one on the right
foot. As he walked down town the right foot was continually getting on the
left side, and he stumbled over himself, and he felt pains in his feet.
The judge was frightened in a minute. He is afraid of paralysis, all the
boys know it, and when he told a wicked Republican named Spencer how his
feet felt, that degraded man told the judge that it was one of the surest
symptoms of paralysis in the world, and advised him to hunt a doctor.
The judge pranced off, interfering at every step, skinning his
shins, and found Dr. Hoyt. The doctor is one of the worst men in the
world, and when he saw how the shoes were put on he told the judge that
his case was hopeless unless something was done immediately. The judge
turned pale, the sweat poured out of him, and taking out his purse he gave
the doctor five dollars and asked him what he should do. The doctor felt
his pulse, looked at his tongue, listened at his heart, shook his head,
and then told the judge that he would be a dead man in less than sixty
years if he didn't change his shoes.
The judge looked down at the vast expanse of leather, both sections
pointing inwardly, and said, "Well, dam a fool," and "changed cars" at the
junction. As he got them on the right feet, and hired a raftsman to tie
them up for him, he said he would get even with the doctor if he had to
catch the small pox. O, we suppose they have more fun in some of these
country towns than you can shake a stick at.
WE WILL CELEBRATE.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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