Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
With so many new holidays, and so many new people, it is hardly to be
wondered at that the day of all days, the day that should be dearest to
the heart of every American, is in danger of being passed over in silence,
and were it not for the fire cracker, that begins to get in its work about
the first of June, in many instances this Anniversary of American
Independence would be passed without the customary mouth shootzen-fest
from alleged orators, but when the small boy begins to stir around and
clandestinely look down the muzzle of the always loaded fire cracker, the
patriotism of the boys still begins to assert itself, the old man's eyes
begin to snap, and he talks to his neighbor about how they used to
celebrate when he was a boy, the stuff begins to work over the
neighborhood, the village catches it, the country begins.
DOGS AND HUMAN BEINGS!
Lorillard, the New York tobacco man, had a poodle dog stolen, and has
offered a reward of five hundred dollars for the arrest of the thief, and
he informs a reporter that he will spend $10,000, if necessary, for the
capture and conviction of the thief. [Applause.]
The applause marked in there will be from human skye terriers, who have
forgotten that only a few weeks ago several hundred girls, who had been
working in Lorillard's factory, went on a strike because as they allege,
they were treated like dogs. We doubt if they were treated as well as this
poodle was treated. We doubt, in case one of these poor, virtuous girls
was kidnapped, if the great Lorillard would have offered as big a reward
for the conviction of the human thief, as he has for the conviction of the
person who has eloped with his poodle.
We hope that the aristocracy of this country will never get to valuing a
dog higher than it does a human being. When it gets so that a rich person
would not permit a poodle to do the work in a tobacco factory that a poor
girl does to support a sick mother, hell had better be opened for summer
boarders. When girls work ten hours a day stripping nasty tobacco, and
find at the end of the week that the fines for speaking are larger than
the wages, and the fines go for the conviction of thieves who steal the
girl's master's dog, no one need come around here lecturing at a dollar a
head and telling us there is no hell.
When a poor girl, who has gone creeping to her work at daylight, looks out
of the window at noon to see her master's carriage go by, in which there
is a five hundred dollar dog with a hundred dollar blanket on, and a
collar set with diamonds, lolling on satin cushions, and the girl is fined
ten cents for looking out of, the window, you don't want to fool
away any time trying to get us to go to a heaven where such heartless
employers are expected.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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