Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite HumoristPeck, George W. (George Wilbur)
General
Peck's Compendium of Fun: Comprising the Choicest Gems of Wit, Humor, Sarcasm and Pathos of America's Favorite Humorist
Peck, George W. (George Wilbur)
American wit and humor
"The way of it was this. There was about a dozen different kinds of
medicine to leave at different places, and I was in a hurry to go to the
roller skating rink, so I got my chum to help me, and we just took the
numbers of the houses, and when we rung the bell we would hand out the
first package we come to, and I understand there was a good deal of
complaint. One old maid who ordered powder for her face, her ticket drew
some worm lozengers, and she kicked awfully, and a widow who was going to
be married, she ordered a celluloid comb and brush, and she got a nursing
bottle with a rubber nozzle, and a toothing ring, and she made quite a
fuss; but the woman who was weaning her baby and wanted the nursing
bottle, she got the comb and brush and some blue pills, and she never made
any fuss at all. It makes a good deal of difference, I notice, whether a
person gets a better thing than they order or not. But the drug business
is too lively for me. I have got to have a quiet place, and I guess I will
be a cash boy in a store. Pa says he thinks I was cut out for a bunko
steerer, and I may look for that kind of a job. Pa he is a terror since he
got to drinking again. He came home the other day, when the minister was
calling on Ma, and just cause the minister was sitting on the sofa with
Ma, and had his hand on her shoulder, where she said the pain was when the
rheumatiz came on, Pa was mad and told the minister he would kick his
liver clear around on the other side if he caught him there again, and Ma
felt awful about it. After the minister had gone away, Ma told Pa he had
got no feeling at all, and Pa said he had got enough feeling for one
family, and he didn't want no sky-sharp to help him. He said he could cure
all the rheumatiz there was around the house, and then he went down town
and didn't get home till most breakfast time. Ma says she thinks I am
responsible for Pa's falling into bad ways again, and now I am going to
cure him. You watch me, and see if I don't have Pa in the church in less
than a week, praying and singing, and going home with the choir singers,
just as pious as ever. I am going to get a boy that writes a woman's hand
to write to Pa, and--but I must not give it away. But you just watch Pa,
that's all. Well, I must go and saw some wood. It is coming down a good
deal, from a drug clerk to sawing wood, but I will get on top yet, and
don't you forget it."
GIVE US WAR!
We are in receipt of a circular from the American peace society,
requesting us to leave a sum of money, in our will, to the society to be
applied to the interest of peace. We are opposed to peace, on such terms.
Give us war, every time.
THE FIRE NEW YEAR'S DAY.
Public-domain text, read in full here on John Shaqi.
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